Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Sometimes being an atheist is tough, but these videos should make it pretty easy. People ask me why I pick on religious folk, and I honestly don't know the answer. But it sure is fun!
Check out this footage! For a place that's so against homosexuality, I've never seen so many men touching each other with their eyes closed. The women aren't exactly acting heater either. I sure hope that God can protect them against Athlete's Foot, because the women seem to think that dancing barefoot on carpet is a fabulous idea. The music is fucking atrocious. It's same 3 second loop over and over, which is about all the musicians seem to be capable of handling. Oh, and someone tell the super sized chick at 3:10 to stop crying, the KFC buffet is open on Sunday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkahDsyNSxY
The kids look so thrilled to be at this indoctrination camp run by some of the ugliest adults I have ever seen. The dudes in the back look like they are going to puke and pass out from boredom. Some dick has a seizure at 1:10, and what does his dumbass friend do? HE CELEBRATES. Seizure boy stays passed out for the rest of the video, and some asshole actually takes a picture of him laying on the ground at 2:11. The 2:30 mark represents the climax of the video, as Sally blue skirt, fancy feet, can't-see-what-the-fuck-is-infront-of-me, arm flailer loses complete control of her motor skills and erupts into a level 5 shitfit.
Is that a pack of wolves having their intestines ripped out or a church service gone horribly wrong? Obnoxious pricks. Not many highlights in this one, just a room full of people with a combined IQ of 14 acting like rabid coyotes. If their children acted like this at home, they would get their asses kicked. At 1:21, we see the jolly green giant hop up on a chair like a goddamned two year old and start conducting an invisible symphony. A little later at 2:37, we catch a few air-pushups performed by not-so-pretty in pink. Other than that, you are in for almost 4 minutes of shitty singing accompanied by a crowd of howling banshees.
Holy shit, where do we start? Anyone else find it odd that his head is black and the rest of his body is white? This guy is higher than a kite and has a look in his eyes as if he just beat his grandmother to death with a rolling pin. The music is bad enough, but it gets even worse as he tries his luck at karaoke. I can see Jesus crying and slitting his wrists to this video, just like I was.
The idiot at center stage is so distracting that you can't even tell that the preacher is actually a woman. She sounds like my uncle when he has a few drinks and starts bitching about the government. The lady in front has obviously been clubbing all night and accidentally walked into a church service still high on ecstasy. She must think the preacher is the DJ, and the music is still thumping. Someone call her a cab.
See that lady in the red? She votes.
A timeless classic in a contest to see who can draw the most attention to themselves. We start off with the Pillsbury doughboy running laps on stage until the camera focuses on the jackass in black who dominates the next 45 seconds. At the 0:58 second mark, the moron in the blue blouse decides that she's not acting retarded enough. She throws herself into a full blown shitstorm, turning her arms into deadly whips and dominating the competition. Not to be outdone, black shirt begins performing bobbing 360s. Then out of fucking NOWHERE, some guy in the front row loses his shit and steals the show in a all out epileptic stomping fit. Then, some asshole in a yellow shirt thinks he can steal his thunder, but gets knocked the fuck down by the epileptic stomper at 1:34.
Don't miss Holy Ghost Explosion 2: Return of the Shitheads. Doughboy is still on stage creating a gravitational disturbance that is slowly altering the orbit of the moon. Don't miss the debut of his disgusting female companion who is either crying out of embarrassment or the fact that nobody wants to see her naked. Some douche bag starts whipping his smelly underwear around like a flag at 0:28, and we have a specimen at 0:47 that wandered off from the Bingo hall waving his arms in disapproval. It looks like he's signaling everyone to get the fuck out of his sight, yet he's smiling beyond his own control. No Henry, nobody called G47 and you don't have Bingo.
I thought I was the only one that laughed my balls off all the way through a church service. The funniest part is, there's a guy on the ground that is NOT MOVING. Look everyone, he's dead! HAHAHAHAHHAHAA!! LET'S TAKE TURNS RAPING HIS CORPSE!!
Nauseating. The crowd couldn't sing loud enough to drown out this sonic assault. If I was God, I'd be throwing down lightning bolts after the first 3 notes, but I'd switch over to throwing refrigerators starting at 2:10 to make sure the bastard couldn't sing another note. I didn't think it could get any worse until 2:55 came rolling along. You'd think with all those notes flying around that one of them would be remotely close. I guess that would be asking far too much.
Nothing says "Turn the other cheek" like punching somebody in the face, especially when you are a male preacher beating up a female attendee. Yeah that's right champ, knock her the fuck out infront of the entire congregation and show her who's boss. That's one way to get donations.
I'd rather have sex with a AIDS infested rhinoceros than listen to this song again. Jesus has officially cancelled his friendship with each one of these loons after witnessing this abomination. Naturally, I thought this was a joke so I started laughing. Then I started crying about halfway through, realizing that these people were totally serious. They must have all emerged from their parents' basement in a coordinated effort to see how many virgins they can pack into a single room and ruin any future chance of getting laid. It's a catchy tune though, it's been stuck in my head for past few days and I can't seem to shake it. In unrelated news, I want to stick my head in the microwave.
Check out this footage! For a place that's so against homosexuality, I've never seen so many men touching each other with their eyes closed. The women aren't exactly acting heater either. I sure hope that God can protect them against Athlete's Foot, because the women seem to think that dancing barefoot on carpet is a fabulous idea. The music is fucking atrocious. It's same 3 second loop over and over, which is about all the musicians seem to be capable of handling. Oh, and someone tell the super sized chick at 3:10 to stop crying, the KFC buffet is open on Sunday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkahDsyNSxY
The kids look so thrilled to be at this indoctrination camp run by some of the ugliest adults I have ever seen. The dudes in the back look like they are going to puke and pass out from boredom. Some dick has a seizure at 1:10, and what does his dumbass friend do? HE CELEBRATES. Seizure boy stays passed out for the rest of the video, and some asshole actually takes a picture of him laying on the ground at 2:11. The 2:30 mark represents the climax of the video, as Sally blue skirt, fancy feet, can't-see-what-the-fuck-is-infront-of-me, arm flailer loses complete control of her motor skills and erupts into a level 5 shitfit.
Is that a pack of wolves having their intestines ripped out or a church service gone horribly wrong? Obnoxious pricks. Not many highlights in this one, just a room full of people with a combined IQ of 14 acting like rabid coyotes. If their children acted like this at home, they would get their asses kicked. At 1:21, we see the jolly green giant hop up on a chair like a goddamned two year old and start conducting an invisible symphony. A little later at 2:37, we catch a few air-pushups performed by not-so-pretty in pink. Other than that, you are in for almost 4 minutes of shitty singing accompanied by a crowd of howling banshees.
Holy shit, where do we start? Anyone else find it odd that his head is black and the rest of his body is white? This guy is higher than a kite and has a look in his eyes as if he just beat his grandmother to death with a rolling pin. The music is bad enough, but it gets even worse as he tries his luck at karaoke. I can see Jesus crying and slitting his wrists to this video, just like I was.
The idiot at center stage is so distracting that you can't even tell that the preacher is actually a woman. She sounds like my uncle when he has a few drinks and starts bitching about the government. The lady in front has obviously been clubbing all night and accidentally walked into a church service still high on ecstasy. She must think the preacher is the DJ, and the music is still thumping. Someone call her a cab.
See that lady in the red? She votes.
A timeless classic in a contest to see who can draw the most attention to themselves. We start off with the Pillsbury doughboy running laps on stage until the camera focuses on the jackass in black who dominates the next 45 seconds. At the 0:58 second mark, the moron in the blue blouse decides that she's not acting retarded enough. She throws herself into a full blown shitstorm, turning her arms into deadly whips and dominating the competition. Not to be outdone, black shirt begins performing bobbing 360s. Then out of fucking NOWHERE, some guy in the front row loses his shit and steals the show in a all out epileptic stomping fit. Then, some asshole in a yellow shirt thinks he can steal his thunder, but gets knocked the fuck down by the epileptic stomper at 1:34.
Don't miss Holy Ghost Explosion 2: Return of the Shitheads. Doughboy is still on stage creating a gravitational disturbance that is slowly altering the orbit of the moon. Don't miss the debut of his disgusting female companion who is either crying out of embarrassment or the fact that nobody wants to see her naked. Some douche bag starts whipping his smelly underwear around like a flag at 0:28, and we have a specimen at 0:47 that wandered off from the Bingo hall waving his arms in disapproval. It looks like he's signaling everyone to get the fuck out of his sight, yet he's smiling beyond his own control. No Henry, nobody called G47 and you don't have Bingo.
I thought I was the only one that laughed my balls off all the way through a church service. The funniest part is, there's a guy on the ground that is NOT MOVING. Look everyone, he's dead! HAHAHAHAHHAHAA!! LET'S TAKE TURNS RAPING HIS CORPSE!!
Nauseating. The crowd couldn't sing loud enough to drown out this sonic assault. If I was God, I'd be throwing down lightning bolts after the first 3 notes, but I'd switch over to throwing refrigerators starting at 2:10 to make sure the bastard couldn't sing another note. I didn't think it could get any worse until 2:55 came rolling along. You'd think with all those notes flying around that one of them would be remotely close. I guess that would be asking far too much.
Nothing says "Turn the other cheek" like punching somebody in the face, especially when you are a male preacher beating up a female attendee. Yeah that's right champ, knock her the fuck out infront of the entire congregation and show her who's boss. That's one way to get donations.
I'd rather have sex with a AIDS infested rhinoceros than listen to this song again. Jesus has officially cancelled his friendship with each one of these loons after witnessing this abomination. Naturally, I thought this was a joke so I started laughing. Then I started crying about halfway through, realizing that these people were totally serious. They must have all emerged from their parents' basement in a coordinated effort to see how many virgins they can pack into a single room and ruin any future chance of getting laid. It's a catchy tune though, it's been stuck in my head for past few days and I can't seem to shake it. In unrelated news, I want to stick my head in the microwave.
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Shitty Magic of Jesus Christ
It’s a miracle! Holy shit it’s a miracle! This man has transformed water in to wine without fermentation or a grape press! This man has withered a fig tree in front of everyone’s eyes! This man has cast demons out of a heard of swine! He’s healed a blind woman, walked on water, and raised the dead! He even knows tonight’s winning lottery numbers! For being the Son of God, Jesus had some lame ass miracles. I for one am completely unimpressed; I would have expected a lot more out of a direct descendent of the grand creator. I’m not sure why people are so blown away by the alleged miracles of Christ; I guess they are easily amused. Let’s take a look at a few of J-man’s unimpressive magic tricks. We’ll use the trusty Impress-o-meter to see how each of his miracles rank, as well as give Jesus some suggested improvements...
THE WITHERING OF THE FIG TREE
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 1
Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.
- Matthew 21:18-19
One day, as Jesus was strolling along the road with his posse, he spotted a fig tree beside the road. Jesus was hungry, but the fig tree wasn’t bearing the slightest bit of fruit. Slightly pissed off, Jesus decides to try out some of his magic to impress his followers. Jesus waved his hands around, performed an Irish jig, and chanted, “May you never bear fruit again!” Miraculously, the fig tree withered away. The disciples shit their robes over and over again in amazement.
Suggested improvements: Put yourself in the Jesus’ shoes for a minute, and imagine what you would do given the following circumstances...
- You are the Son of God
- You have kick ass magic powers that enable you to do just about anything
- You happen to be hungry
- You happen to stumble upon a fig tree
Being the all-knowing Son of God, you know the following equation to be true...
Hungry + Figs = No more hunger
Issue: Fig tree is not currently producing fruit.
Question: What do you do to the fig tree?
A. Kill the fucker
B. MAKE THE FIG TREE GROW FRUIT (COUGH, COUGH, PICK ME)
Way to go Jesus, you’ve just destroyed the closest food option for miles. Why not just drop a nuke on the nearest fruit stand while you’re at it? What if your followers were hungry as well? Did you suddenly get tired of feeding the masses and helping others in need? Not impressed Jesus, not impressed...
WALKING ON WATER
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 2
Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. - Matthew 14:25
By defying his father’s laws of physics and gravity, Jesus can magically support his weight on liquid surfaces. Sorry Jesus, you weren’t the first spooky space God to think of this one. Orion was doing this trick years before you were. This feat is unimaginative, unoriginal, and can literally be performed by almost anyone. If I get a huge running start, I can zip across a pool for a few seconds. Or if I wait until a pond freezes, I can run, skip, and jump as long as the ice can hold me. Yawn...
Suggested improvements: Walk on lava. That would be far more ass kicking than walking on water.
HEALING A BLIND MAN
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 3
Then He came to Bethsaida; and they brought a blind man to Him, and begged Him to touch him. So He took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the town. And when He had spit on his eyes and put His hands on him, He asked him if he saw anything. And he looked up and said, “I see men like trees, walking.” Then He put His hands on his eyes again and made him look up. And he was restored and saw everyone clearly. - Mark 8:22-25
Although this seems like such a nice gesture, you would hope that Jesus didn’t really have the power to heal the blind. If he did possess the power to heal the blind, and he truly was the Son of God, then why didn’t he just cure blindness all together? Why not help everybody instead of picking and choosing certain people for the sole purpose of trying to impress your followers? So much for being "all loving." If Jesus could truly heal the blind, he chose to let most of his talent go to waste and knowingly let millions of blind people suffer for thousands of years. Even if he actually healed those select few people of blindness, he obviously didn’t do it because he’s a nice guy. If Jesus was the true, all loving, all caring, messiah, Son of God, he would have wiped out the disability all together. Instead, he demonstrated his ability in order to draw attention to himself like a teenager on MySpace. Jesus wanted to be that guy at the party who could show off those mind blowing card tricks just so he could have a crowd of people oohing and ahhing all around him. What a douche.
Suggested improvements: Instead of simply looking for attention by healing a blind man in front of a crowd, simply eradicate blindness all together. If Jesus possessed the talent to rid blindness from people, and he willingly chose not to cure everyone, people should be outraged. Instead, they worship him and sing of his greatness. If there were a doctor alive today that had the magic ability to cure blindness, there would be lines out the door for his service. Let’s say the doctor spends a small fraction of his time healing a very select few people, and then spends the majority of his day running his mouth to the press about how great he is. That guy would have "asshole" written next to his name in every newspaper headline. He’s letting everyone else suffer from blindness and willfully choosing not to heal as many people as he could because he’s more concerned about his public image.
RAISING THE DEAD
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 3
Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said, “Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping.” And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead. But He put them all outside, took her by the hand and called, saying, "Little girl, arise." Then her spirit returned, and she arose immediately. And He commanded that she be given something to eat. - Luke 8:52-56
Wow Jesus, very original and totally believable. How many Gods, prophets, and mystics claimed to raise the dead before you came along? Oh that’s right, you’re the real deal because the Bible says you are. So let’s entertain the thought that you really can raise the dead. Why would you do it? Why let anybody go through the pain, suffering, and anguish of death? Aren’t you and daddy dearest responsible for everyone’s death in the first place? Why put a family through the grieving process, when you intend to just bring back their loved one? Besides, when you bring a dead guy back to life, he’s just going to die again! They don’t get resurrected and live forever on Earth. We know this because there aren’t any people on this planet that are celebrating their 2,000th birthday. You bring someone back to life just to let them die once more and have their family grieve all over again? That’s really an asshole thing to do. Come on, even amateur magicians can pull off cool magic tricks without messing with people’s emotions. Killing someone, upsetting their family, and then hitting them with the punch line of "JUST KIDDING!" isn’t exactly the nicest thing to do.
Suggested improvements: Stop being a dick. Stop letting people die in the first place. If you insist on resurrecting the dead, let them live forever. But why don’t you check and make sure they want to come back from the dead first. If you accidentally raise someone from the dead that committed suicide, they might be slightly pissed off at you. They kill themselves to escape their excessive credit card debt, you decide to reverse the process, and now they’re back on Earth dealing with bill collectors. Not cool.
TURNING WATER IN TO WINE
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 8
And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece. Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now. - John 2:6-10
The ultimate party trick! Invite the J-man to a party and you’ll never be dry! No more worrying about running out of alcohol when Jesus is around; stay shitfaced all night by keeping him next to stone waterpots. Try keeping him next to the sink to create a seemingly endless supply of party juice! Just don’t take a shower with him unless you want your skin to turn a hearty shade of maroon. In all seriousness, this miracle is pretty sweet. Anybody who can turn plain old water in to something, anything that can get me piss drunk is automatically a friend of mine. This is a far better miracle than raising the dead, killing fig trees, or healing blind people. This miracle is actually useful and fun.
Suggested improvements: I’m kind of an alcohol snob, so I would have to suggest that turning water in to a 12 pack of Guinness would be far more impressive to me. Either way, having a friend who can spice up your Saturday night without running to the liquor store is priceless. I would have to throw Jesus on my party guest list as long as he promised not to try any of his other magic tricks. Except for this one...
CASTING DEMONS IN TO A HEARD OF SWINE
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 10
Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them. And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. - Mark 5:11-13
I would expect nothing less than something as awesome as this from the son of a space God. When Jesus isn’t out feeding the hungry, healing the blind, raising the dead, or instantly fermenting wine, the great one is helping demons possess members of the swine family. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, that’s why Jesus came out with brand new line of demon repellant for pigs...
Are your hogs imitating the exorcist? Are they foaming at the mouth and sprouting horns? Are they spitting fireballs and drawing pentagrams all around the barn? Then you need Satanaway™ by JChrist! Stop letting your hogs carry out suicide missions because they can’t control their emotions! Just a few sprays of Satanaway™ and your hogs are demon free! Other brands made by Zeus, Mithra, and Mohammed leave a greasy residue, have a foul stench, and only get rid of demons that were fabricated before 2,000 B.C. Only Satanaway™ by JChrist can cast out all of those pesky swine demons once and for all.
AND THAT’S NOT ALL!
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1. I Want To Cross Him Out Of My Life
2. How’s It Hangin’?
3. Double Crossed
4. The Thorny Hat Dance
5. (Not) Coming Back
6. Lookin’ Sexy Up There
7. Son of a Bitch
8. Dead As A Doornail
9. Come On Down From Yonder
10. Who’s The Father?
11. Eating The Hot Body Of Christ
12. Our God Is A Mediocre God
13. He Touched Me (For Only 5 Bucks)
14. Cheap Wine, Shitty Water
15. Crazy Whore Mary
16. Savior Breath
17. I Can Savior Ass
18. Jesus Saves (On Car Insurance)
19. Stop Calling Me A Sheep, You Asshole
20. Children, Cum On To My Face
21. On My Knees Again
22. I Got Nailed
23. That Cross Looks Heavy
24. Oh Christ, It’s Only Monday
25. Fuck my (after) life
Don’t let the demons control your swine any longer! Get Satanaway™ right now, and watch it get the “Hell” out!
Suggested Improvements: NOTHING! This is by far, the greatest miracle in history. Many people say that life itself is a miracle; I say that’s bullshit. THIS takes the miracle cake, and I couldn’t think of anything more impressive. My mind is blown.
Well...
Not exactly...
Anyone who is speechless over the miracles of Jesus must have horribly low standards. Is that all it takes to impress people these days? A wine trick here, a water illusion there, blah, blah, blah. For being a direct descendant of God, Jesus sure had some pretty weak skills. Perhaps talent doesn’t run in the family? Compare God’s big accomplishments to Jesus’ boring magic tricks. Big daddy created the Earth, all life on it, and the rest of the universe. Jesus withered fig trees and cast demons in to pigs. Not so awesome, and definitely not worth donating 10% of my cash to his zombified Sunday congregations. Jesus just wasn’t that impressive. If you can’t pick up your jaw off the floor when you hear about one of his silly miracles, it probably doesn’t take a whole lot to impress you. I can drink 6 Guinness in one hour and not throw up. Impressed yet? Good, come to my house every Sunday and write me a check for 100 bucks. Tell your friends.
THE WITHERING OF THE FIG TREE
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 1
Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.
- Matthew 21:18-19
One day, as Jesus was strolling along the road with his posse, he spotted a fig tree beside the road. Jesus was hungry, but the fig tree wasn’t bearing the slightest bit of fruit. Slightly pissed off, Jesus decides to try out some of his magic to impress his followers. Jesus waved his hands around, performed an Irish jig, and chanted, “May you never bear fruit again!” Miraculously, the fig tree withered away. The disciples shit their robes over and over again in amazement.
Suggested improvements: Put yourself in the Jesus’ shoes for a minute, and imagine what you would do given the following circumstances...
- You are the Son of God
- You have kick ass magic powers that enable you to do just about anything
- You happen to be hungry
- You happen to stumble upon a fig tree
Being the all-knowing Son of God, you know the following equation to be true...
Hungry + Figs = No more hunger
Issue: Fig tree is not currently producing fruit.
Question: What do you do to the fig tree?
A. Kill the fucker
B. MAKE THE FIG TREE GROW FRUIT (COUGH, COUGH, PICK ME)
Way to go Jesus, you’ve just destroyed the closest food option for miles. Why not just drop a nuke on the nearest fruit stand while you’re at it? What if your followers were hungry as well? Did you suddenly get tired of feeding the masses and helping others in need? Not impressed Jesus, not impressed...
WALKING ON WATER
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 2
Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. - Matthew 14:25
By defying his father’s laws of physics and gravity, Jesus can magically support his weight on liquid surfaces. Sorry Jesus, you weren’t the first spooky space God to think of this one. Orion was doing this trick years before you were. This feat is unimaginative, unoriginal, and can literally be performed by almost anyone. If I get a huge running start, I can zip across a pool for a few seconds. Or if I wait until a pond freezes, I can run, skip, and jump as long as the ice can hold me. Yawn...
Suggested improvements: Walk on lava. That would be far more ass kicking than walking on water.
HEALING A BLIND MAN
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 3
Then He came to Bethsaida; and they brought a blind man to Him, and begged Him to touch him. So He took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the town. And when He had spit on his eyes and put His hands on him, He asked him if he saw anything. And he looked up and said, “I see men like trees, walking.” Then He put His hands on his eyes again and made him look up. And he was restored and saw everyone clearly. - Mark 8:22-25
Although this seems like such a nice gesture, you would hope that Jesus didn’t really have the power to heal the blind. If he did possess the power to heal the blind, and he truly was the Son of God, then why didn’t he just cure blindness all together? Why not help everybody instead of picking and choosing certain people for the sole purpose of trying to impress your followers? So much for being "all loving." If Jesus could truly heal the blind, he chose to let most of his talent go to waste and knowingly let millions of blind people suffer for thousands of years. Even if he actually healed those select few people of blindness, he obviously didn’t do it because he’s a nice guy. If Jesus was the true, all loving, all caring, messiah, Son of God, he would have wiped out the disability all together. Instead, he demonstrated his ability in order to draw attention to himself like a teenager on MySpace. Jesus wanted to be that guy at the party who could show off those mind blowing card tricks just so he could have a crowd of people oohing and ahhing all around him. What a douche.
Suggested improvements: Instead of simply looking for attention by healing a blind man in front of a crowd, simply eradicate blindness all together. If Jesus possessed the talent to rid blindness from people, and he willingly chose not to cure everyone, people should be outraged. Instead, they worship him and sing of his greatness. If there were a doctor alive today that had the magic ability to cure blindness, there would be lines out the door for his service. Let’s say the doctor spends a small fraction of his time healing a very select few people, and then spends the majority of his day running his mouth to the press about how great he is. That guy would have "asshole" written next to his name in every newspaper headline. He’s letting everyone else suffer from blindness and willfully choosing not to heal as many people as he could because he’s more concerned about his public image.
RAISING THE DEAD
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 3
Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said, “Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping.” And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead. But He put them all outside, took her by the hand and called, saying, "Little girl, arise." Then her spirit returned, and she arose immediately. And He commanded that she be given something to eat. - Luke 8:52-56
Wow Jesus, very original and totally believable. How many Gods, prophets, and mystics claimed to raise the dead before you came along? Oh that’s right, you’re the real deal because the Bible says you are. So let’s entertain the thought that you really can raise the dead. Why would you do it? Why let anybody go through the pain, suffering, and anguish of death? Aren’t you and daddy dearest responsible for everyone’s death in the first place? Why put a family through the grieving process, when you intend to just bring back their loved one? Besides, when you bring a dead guy back to life, he’s just going to die again! They don’t get resurrected and live forever on Earth. We know this because there aren’t any people on this planet that are celebrating their 2,000th birthday. You bring someone back to life just to let them die once more and have their family grieve all over again? That’s really an asshole thing to do. Come on, even amateur magicians can pull off cool magic tricks without messing with people’s emotions. Killing someone, upsetting their family, and then hitting them with the punch line of "JUST KIDDING!" isn’t exactly the nicest thing to do.
Suggested improvements: Stop being a dick. Stop letting people die in the first place. If you insist on resurrecting the dead, let them live forever. But why don’t you check and make sure they want to come back from the dead first. If you accidentally raise someone from the dead that committed suicide, they might be slightly pissed off at you. They kill themselves to escape their excessive credit card debt, you decide to reverse the process, and now they’re back on Earth dealing with bill collectors. Not cool.
TURNING WATER IN TO WINE
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 8
And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece. Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now. - John 2:6-10
The ultimate party trick! Invite the J-man to a party and you’ll never be dry! No more worrying about running out of alcohol when Jesus is around; stay shitfaced all night by keeping him next to stone waterpots. Try keeping him next to the sink to create a seemingly endless supply of party juice! Just don’t take a shower with him unless you want your skin to turn a hearty shade of maroon. In all seriousness, this miracle is pretty sweet. Anybody who can turn plain old water in to something, anything that can get me piss drunk is automatically a friend of mine. This is a far better miracle than raising the dead, killing fig trees, or healing blind people. This miracle is actually useful and fun.
Suggested improvements: I’m kind of an alcohol snob, so I would have to suggest that turning water in to a 12 pack of Guinness would be far more impressive to me. Either way, having a friend who can spice up your Saturday night without running to the liquor store is priceless. I would have to throw Jesus on my party guest list as long as he promised not to try any of his other magic tricks. Except for this one...
CASTING DEMONS IN TO A HEARD OF SWINE
Impress-o-meter Ranking: 10
Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them. And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. - Mark 5:11-13
I would expect nothing less than something as awesome as this from the son of a space God. When Jesus isn’t out feeding the hungry, healing the blind, raising the dead, or instantly fermenting wine, the great one is helping demons possess members of the swine family. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, that’s why Jesus came out with brand new line of demon repellant for pigs...
Are your hogs imitating the exorcist? Are they foaming at the mouth and sprouting horns? Are they spitting fireballs and drawing pentagrams all around the barn? Then you need Satanaway™ by JChrist! Stop letting your hogs carry out suicide missions because they can’t control their emotions! Just a few sprays of Satanaway™ and your hogs are demon free! Other brands made by Zeus, Mithra, and Mohammed leave a greasy residue, have a foul stench, and only get rid of demons that were fabricated before 2,000 B.C. Only Satanaway™ by JChrist can cast out all of those pesky swine demons once and for all.
AND THAT’S NOT ALL!
Call RIGHT NOW and we’ll double your order! You’ll get two bottles of Satanaway™ for only 73 easy payments $19.95! That’s DOUBLE the exorcising power for no extra charge, just pay separate shipping, handling, and applicable taxes.
BUT WAIT!
If you order in the next 10 minutes, we’ll also include Odin Zeus McGaffer’s latest CD called Freakin’ Jesus Freaks! This CD features all of your favorite songs of worship, praise, and glory; perfect background music while you are casting out pig demons! Tracks include...
1. I Want To Cross Him Out Of My Life
2. How’s It Hangin’?
3. Double Crossed
4. The Thorny Hat Dance
5. (Not) Coming Back
6. Lookin’ Sexy Up There
7. Son of a Bitch
8. Dead As A Doornail
9. Come On Down From Yonder
10. Who’s The Father?
11. Eating The Hot Body Of Christ
12. Our God Is A Mediocre God
13. He Touched Me (For Only 5 Bucks)
14. Cheap Wine, Shitty Water
15. Crazy Whore Mary
16. Savior Breath
17. I Can Savior Ass
18. Jesus Saves (On Car Insurance)
19. Stop Calling Me A Sheep, You Asshole
20. Children, Cum On To My Face
21. On My Knees Again
22. I Got Nailed
23. That Cross Looks Heavy
24. Oh Christ, It’s Only Monday
25. Fuck my (after) life
Don’t let the demons control your swine any longer! Get Satanaway™ right now, and watch it get the “Hell” out!
Suggested Improvements: NOTHING! This is by far, the greatest miracle in history. Many people say that life itself is a miracle; I say that’s bullshit. THIS takes the miracle cake, and I couldn’t think of anything more impressive. My mind is blown.
Well...
Not exactly...
Anyone who is speechless over the miracles of Jesus must have horribly low standards. Is that all it takes to impress people these days? A wine trick here, a water illusion there, blah, blah, blah. For being a direct descendant of God, Jesus sure had some pretty weak skills. Perhaps talent doesn’t run in the family? Compare God’s big accomplishments to Jesus’ boring magic tricks. Big daddy created the Earth, all life on it, and the rest of the universe. Jesus withered fig trees and cast demons in to pigs. Not so awesome, and definitely not worth donating 10% of my cash to his zombified Sunday congregations. Jesus just wasn’t that impressive. If you can’t pick up your jaw off the floor when you hear about one of his silly miracles, it probably doesn’t take a whole lot to impress you. I can drink 6 Guinness in one hour and not throw up. Impressed yet? Good, come to my house every Sunday and write me a check for 100 bucks. Tell your friends.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Oh Boy, Here Comes The Prude Parade
It has recently come to my attention that some of the pictures I post MIGHT be offensive to some people. Thankfully, someone on Facebook has let me know that I should be ashamed of myself for posting such disgusting pictures. I wasn't quite clear on which picture(s) she was talking about so I asked for clarification.
It was then, at that moment, a life changing conversation began to blossom...
Aw shit, was it something I said? :(
It was then, at that moment, a life changing conversation began to blossom...
Aw shit, was it something I said? :(
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Worst Type Of Christian You'll Ever Encounter
The award goes to...
Fat, Unemployed, Soccer Mom Hogs.
This is, by far, the worst kind of Christian you will ever encounter. Running into one of these heavyweight zealots can quickly ruin your day and jeopardize your sanity. These lard assed housewives usually clock in around 225lbs but it's not uncommon to find them at an Earth shattering 350lbs or more. They come equipped with horrible perms, obnoxious magenta lipstick, and a gold cross necklace that is almost entirely engulfed by their blubbery necks. They aren't shy about their ridiculous faith, as the average specimen can't last twenty seconds in a conversation without dropping a J-bomb or giving a critique of last week's sermon. If their mouths aren't open to spew Biblical trash to everyone in a 10 foot radius, their mouths are open in order to stuff down another Whopper Value Meal with a DIET COKE. Despite the desperate pleas of everyone else around them, they just can't seem to shut the fuck up for an extended period of time. Even worse, it's rare that anything remotely intelligent escapes their mouth, as they barely graduated high school only to drop out of community college. They don't need a job because their sexually frustrated husband drags home all of the income. They park their fat asses in the living room equipped with a Holy Bible, a pink highlighter, and a family size box of Wheat Thins. (Eating 17,000 Wheat Thins in one sitting WILL NOT MAKE YOU THIN.)
These walruses have an opinion about everything despite their lack of real world experience. They champion a backwards Old Testament morality figure which is force fed upon their children: Homosexuals are subhuman and should not be treated as equals, those who worship different Gods or no God at all deserve eternal punishment, and children who don't follow their parents' orders will someday rot in Hell. They think the Internet is evil, television is blasphemous, and public schools are full of sin; so they screw their children out of a social life by homeschooling them and cutting them off from all forms of media. In most cases, their children grow up to hate them and their husband ends up cheating on them with his secretary. She'll forgive her husband to score points with her Bible study group and because she doesn't have a choice. She needs the financial support and would not survive in the real world where it's not good enough to sit on the fucking couch and highlight scripture all day while listening to "Our God Is An Awesome God." Even the asshole God she worships can't help but take a giant shit in her box of Wheat Thins; can't say she didn't have it coming.
Man, that's fucking accurate.
..
Fat, Unemployed, Soccer Mom Hogs.
This is, by far, the worst kind of Christian you will ever encounter. Running into one of these heavyweight zealots can quickly ruin your day and jeopardize your sanity. These lard assed housewives usually clock in around 225lbs but it's not uncommon to find them at an Earth shattering 350lbs or more. They come equipped with horrible perms, obnoxious magenta lipstick, and a gold cross necklace that is almost entirely engulfed by their blubbery necks. They aren't shy about their ridiculous faith, as the average specimen can't last twenty seconds in a conversation without dropping a J-bomb or giving a critique of last week's sermon. If their mouths aren't open to spew Biblical trash to everyone in a 10 foot radius, their mouths are open in order to stuff down another Whopper Value Meal with a DIET COKE. Despite the desperate pleas of everyone else around them, they just can't seem to shut the fuck up for an extended period of time. Even worse, it's rare that anything remotely intelligent escapes their mouth, as they barely graduated high school only to drop out of community college. They don't need a job because their sexually frustrated husband drags home all of the income. They park their fat asses in the living room equipped with a Holy Bible, a pink highlighter, and a family size box of Wheat Thins. (Eating 17,000 Wheat Thins in one sitting WILL NOT MAKE YOU THIN.)
These walruses have an opinion about everything despite their lack of real world experience. They champion a backwards Old Testament morality figure which is force fed upon their children: Homosexuals are subhuman and should not be treated as equals, those who worship different Gods or no God at all deserve eternal punishment, and children who don't follow their parents' orders will someday rot in Hell. They think the Internet is evil, television is blasphemous, and public schools are full of sin; so they screw their children out of a social life by homeschooling them and cutting them off from all forms of media. In most cases, their children grow up to hate them and their husband ends up cheating on them with his secretary. She'll forgive her husband to score points with her Bible study group and because she doesn't have a choice. She needs the financial support and would not survive in the real world where it's not good enough to sit on the fucking couch and highlight scripture all day while listening to "Our God Is An Awesome God." Even the asshole God she worships can't help but take a giant shit in her box of Wheat Thins; can't say she didn't have it coming.
Man, that's fucking accurate.
..
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Name: God
Occupation: Celestial babysitter, universe development coordinator, shrink, psychotherapist.
Interests: Blood, human suffering, evolutionary biology, killing children (including my own), killing everyone.
Hobbies: Drinking blood, creating deadly natural disasters, laughing at cancer patients, killing fags.
About Me: Blood drinking champion for over 4,000 years, obsessed with playing Sim-Universe, all around nice guy. Got sick of paying child support to my crazy ex (Mary), so I just killed my kid and solved that problem. No more child = No more child support! LOL! I’m not too fond of my asshole neighbor in the Deep South (Satan), thinking about moving further north sometime soon or just walking over there and shooting him in the face.
Did I mention how much I love Sim-Universe? Everyone in my Sim-Universe thinks I’m watching each of them all the time and that I actually care about each one of ‘em! They look at me to solve all of their petty problems. But I can’t help it; I keep pressing the kill button and sending natural disasters and plagues to see how they deal with it! LOL! I answer a few prayers here and there, and they forgive me for everything bad I’ve done! LOL! IDIOTS! Oh well, they keep me entertained on Friday nights when none of the angels want to go bar hopping with me.
Hit me up via Prayer, you’ve got about a 50/50 chance of getting at me. Don’t bother during the holidays or on Sundays, my Sims drive me crazyyyy! LOL!.
What a stud indeed. If you love an abusive, murderous, genocidal, bigot, bipolar, douche bag, you’ve made your match. Congratulations, enjoy each other’s company while I go enjoy another beer.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
My Encounter With A Jehovah's Witness [NOT GOOD]
As I was getting in to my car after exiting the supermarket, I heard a voice call to me. “Excuse me, I’m part of a Christian ministry and I’d like to give you this.” I let out a sigh as I turned around to get a glimpse of the female voice demanding my time and attention. I was greeted by a fistful of cheaply printed literature in front of a row of glimmering white teeth and a fairly nice set of jugs. I did my best to grin, nod, and accept what she was offering without firing off my mouth because this lady was definitely an 8 out of 10 without any beer. So, I let her ramble a few uninspiring verses to me while I imagined myself banging the Christ out of her in the back seat of my car. Unfortunately the more she spoke, the less attractive she became. When she finally slid down to being a 4 out of 10, I remembered that I was wasting my time and allowing my brain cells to be abused. So I winked and her, licked my lips, and let her know in a rather disgusting way that her thighs are definitely Heaven-sent. After she told me to go fuck myself, I sat down in my car, fastened my seatbelt, and looked down at the shitpile that now occupied my hands. It was a brochure summarizing the divisions in the scientific community about evolution, carbon dating, and other issues that scientists just can’t seem to agree on. Therefore (get ready for this one), the Jehovah Witnesses have undisputed answers from God for any questions in the world! Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? The church knows all of this information, and they’ll let you in on their secrets for a small weekly contribution.
These are excerpts from the actual brochure that I was given by the beautiful breasted Jehovah’s Witness.
Many go about their daily affairs oblivious to the instruction, warnings, promises, and blessings available to them through study and appreciation of God’s message to man – The Bible. It is as if the directions were for only a certain few and to be ignored by the great majority. God knew before creation that man would rebel and require reconciliation (Eph. 2:3). He sent his Son to redeem a lost world and to reconcile both Jew and Gentile in one body, which is the church. (John 3:14-21; Eph. 2:13-18). The Epistles of the New Testament are for instruction to those who have already obeyed first principles and have been added to the church (Acts 2:47). But the Lord’s command is to take his gospel message to every creature in the while world (Matt. 28:18-20) (Mark 16:15-16). The invitation is, “whosoever.” This means that everybody is subject. The Lord is not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance (II Peter 3:9)
How cute. Where do we start with this one?
Many go about their daily affairs oblivious to the instruction, warnings, promises, and blessings available to them through study and appreciation of God’s message to man – The Bible.
Wonderful! So, through studying The Bible I can learn about how I’ll be punished by this asshole? Then I can learn about his faulty promises of eternal harp lessons in the clouds and a grand entrance through the pearly gates? I feel like a perfectly capable human being, but maybe I need some instructions for my life after all. Apparently I can’t take a shit without someone telling me how to spread my cheeks and wipe after I’m done pushing
God knew before creation that man would rebel and require reconciliation.
If God knew in advance that his creations would rebel against him, then why would he continue creation in the first place? Why create something that you know will rebel against you? This clearly demonstrates that God was either a complete dumbass or he was asking for it. Creating a living species that you knew in advance was going to rebel against you would either serve as a form of entertainment, agony, or both. It is painfully obvious that God would simply be considered a self-absorbed dickhead with a sick sense of humor if he were ever to be put in human form. Watching people struggle through life and enjoying every minute of it while they try to overcome ridiculous obstacles is the sign of a mentally deranged individual; and those that choose to participate in this twisted game might earn a similar diagnosis.
He sent his Son to redeem a lost world and to reconcile both Jew and Gentile in one body, which is the church.
HUH?
Every once in a while you come across a Bible verse that is so stupid it makes you want to chew broken glass. What the hell is the point of this line? Doesn’t the creator of the universe have more important things to write about? How about talking about something relevant? I suppose discussing the secrets to nuclear fusion or interdimensional travel would be completely out of line. Why talk about something useful when you can simply take up space with meaningless banter? I’ll do the same thing right now; I’m going to follow in God’s footsteps by clogging up this blog with meaningless shit. Here we go:
The green hippopotamus has been condemned by the waffle prince to die by the sword. In a bold move, the green hippopotamus shits a strawberry sundae and delays his death. Instead, he sent his son to redeem the sacred unicorn and to fuse both penis and popsicle, which is called a sucker.
But I’m the one who’s stupid. I’m the one who needs to be saved, helped, and guided. I can’t count how many times the following scenario has replayed itself throughout my life:
1. Religious nut job takes offense to negative remark I make about the Bible or simply gets pissy because I think it’s practically worthless.
2. Said nut job then asks ten million dollar question: “Have you even read the Bible.”
3. I reply with “Yes, probably more than you have.”
4. Nut job auto-responds with one of the following phrases:
“Well maybe you need to read it again.”
“Well you just don’t understand it.”
“Well maybe you need to read it again in order to really understand it.”
I guess they are implying that I need to read it as many times as it takes for me to “fall for it.” I haven’t been suckered in yet, so the solution would be to read it again until my IQ drops below critical. Now it’s obvious that I’m not a genius, but I don’t think it takes one to understand the Bible. I got a pretty damned good idea of what the book was trying to convey the first time around. Sadly, the second and third times I drudged through the book didn’t exactly spark a Eureka moment. What the hell am I supposed to get out of this anyways? Do I read it until I get so high on Christ that I don’t need to pack a bowl anymore? Do I over immerse myself in the Bronze Age folklore until my sense of reality and logic are completely distorted? Shit, I can get the same effect by drinking a 12 pack!
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