The Shitty Magic of Jesus Christ

It’s a miracle! Holy shit it’s a miracle! This man has transformed water in to wine without fermentation or a grape press! This man has withered a fig tree in front of everyone’s eyes! This man has cast demons out of a heard of swine! He’s healed a blind woman, walked on water, and raised the dead! He even knows tonight’s winning lottery numbers! For being the Son of God, Jesus had some lame ass miracles. I for one am completely unimpressed; I would have expected a lot more out of a direct descendent of the grand creator. I’m not sure why people are so blown away by the alleged miracles of Christ; I guess they are easily amused. Let’s take a look at a few of J-man’s unimpressive magic tricks. We’ll use the trusty Impress-o-meter to see how each of his miracles rank, as well as give Jesus some suggested improvements...



THE WITHERING OF THE FIG TREE

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 1





Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.
- Matthew 21:18-19



One day, as Jesus was strolling along the road with his posse, he spotted a fig tree beside the road. Jesus was hungry, but the fig tree wasn’t bearing the slightest bit of fruit. Slightly pissed off, Jesus decides to try out some of his magic to impress his followers. Jesus waved his hands around, performed an Irish jig, and chanted, “May you never bear fruit again!” Miraculously, the fig tree withered away. The disciples shit their robes over and over again in amazement.



Suggested improvements: Put yourself in the Jesus’ shoes for a minute, and imagine what you would do given the following circumstances...



- You are the Son of God
- You have kick ass magic powers that enable you to do just about anything
- You happen to be hungry
- You happen to stumble upon a fig tree



Being the all-knowing Son of God, you know the following equation to be true...


Hungry + Figs = No more hunger



Issue: Fig tree is not currently producing fruit.

Question: What do you do to the fig tree?



A. Kill the fucker


B. MAKE THE FIG TREE GROW FRUIT (COUGH, COUGH, PICK ME)



Way to go Jesus, you’ve just destroyed the closest food option for miles. Why not just drop a nuke on the nearest fruit stand while you’re at it? What if your followers were hungry as well? Did you suddenly get tired of feeding the masses and helping others in need? Not impressed Jesus, not impressed...



WALKING ON WATER

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 2





Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. - Matthew 14:25



By defying his father’s laws of physics and gravity, Jesus can magically support his weight on liquid surfaces. Sorry Jesus, you weren’t the first spooky space God to think of this one. Orion was doing this trick years before you were. This feat is unimaginative, unoriginal, and can literally be performed by almost anyone. If I get a huge running start, I can zip across a pool for a few seconds. Or if I wait until a pond freezes, I can run, skip, and jump as long as the ice can hold me. Yawn...



Suggested improvements: Walk on lava. That would be far more ass kicking than walking on water.



HEALING A BLIND MAN

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 3





Then He came to Bethsaida; and they brought a blind man to Him, and begged Him to touch him. So He took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the town. And when He had spit on his eyes and put His hands on him, He asked him if he saw anything. And he looked up and said, “I see men like trees, walking.” Then He put His hands on his eyes again and made him look up. And he was restored and saw everyone clearly. - Mark 8:22-25



Although this seems like such a nice gesture, you would hope that Jesus didn’t really have the power to heal the blind. If he did possess the power to heal the blind, and he truly was the Son of God, then why didn’t he just cure blindness all together? Why not help everybody instead of picking and choosing certain people for the sole purpose of trying to impress your followers? So much for being "all loving." If Jesus could truly heal the blind, he chose to let most of his talent go to waste and knowingly let millions of blind people suffer for thousands of years. Even if he actually healed those select few people of blindness, he obviously didn’t do it because he’s a nice guy. If Jesus was the true, all loving, all caring, messiah, Son of God, he would have wiped out the disability all together. Instead, he demonstrated his ability in order to draw attention to himself like a teenager on MySpace. Jesus wanted to be that guy at the party who could show off those mind blowing card tricks just so he could have a crowd of people oohing and ahhing all around him. What a douche.



Suggested improvements: Instead of simply looking for attention by healing a blind man in front of a crowd, simply eradicate blindness all together. If Jesus possessed the talent to rid blindness from people, and he willingly chose not to cure everyone, people should be outraged. Instead, they worship him and sing of his greatness. If there were a doctor alive today that had the magic ability to cure blindness, there would be lines out the door for his service. Let’s say the doctor spends a small fraction of his time healing a very select few people, and then spends the majority of his day running his mouth to the press about how great he is. That guy would have "asshole" written next to his name in every newspaper headline. He’s letting everyone else suffer from blindness and willfully choosing not to heal as many people as he could because he’s more concerned about his public image.



RAISING THE DEAD

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 3





Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said, “Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping.” And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead. But He put them all outside, took her by the hand and called, saying, "Little girl, arise." Then her spirit returned, and she arose immediately. And He commanded that she be given something to eat. - Luke 8:52-56



Wow Jesus, very original and totally believable. How many Gods, prophets, and mystics claimed to raise the dead before you came along? Oh that’s right, you’re the real deal because the Bible says you are. So let’s entertain the thought that you really can raise the dead. Why would you do it? Why let anybody go through the pain, suffering, and anguish of death? Aren’t you and daddy dearest responsible for everyone’s death in the first place? Why put a family through the grieving process, when you intend to just bring back their loved one? Besides, when you bring a dead guy back to life, he’s just going to die again! They don’t get resurrected and live forever on Earth. We know this because there aren’t any people on this planet that are celebrating their 2,000th birthday. You bring someone back to life just to let them die once more and have their family grieve all over again? That’s really an asshole thing to do. Come on, even amateur magicians can pull off cool magic tricks without messing with people’s emotions. Killing someone, upsetting their family, and then hitting them with the punch line of "JUST KIDDING!" isn’t exactly the nicest thing to do.



Suggested improvements: Stop being a dick. Stop letting people die in the first place. If you insist on resurrecting the dead, let them live forever. But why don’t you check and make sure they want to come back from the dead first. If you accidentally raise someone from the dead that committed suicide, they might be slightly pissed off at you. They kill themselves to escape their excessive credit card debt, you decide to reverse the process, and now they’re back on Earth dealing with bill collectors. Not cool.



TURNING WATER IN TO WINE

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 8







And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece.  Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now. - John 2:6-10



The ultimate party trick! Invite the J-man to a party and you’ll never be dry! No more worrying about running out of alcohol when Jesus is around; stay shitfaced all night by keeping him next to stone waterpots. Try keeping him next to the sink to create a seemingly endless supply of party juice! Just don’t take a shower with him unless you want your skin to turn a hearty shade of maroon. In all seriousness, this miracle is pretty sweet. Anybody who can turn plain old water in to something, anything that can get me piss drunk is automatically a friend of mine. This is a far better miracle than raising the dead, killing fig trees, or healing blind people. This miracle is actually useful and fun.



Suggested improvements: I’m kind of an alcohol snob, so I would have to suggest that turning water in to a 12 pack of Guinness would be far more impressive to me. Either way, having a friend who can spice up your Saturday night without running to the liquor store is priceless. I would have to throw Jesus on my party guest list as long as he promised not to try any of his other magic tricks. Except for this one...



CASTING DEMONS IN TO A HEARD OF SWINE

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 10





Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them. And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. - Mark 5:11-13



I would expect nothing less than something as awesome as this from the son of a space God. When Jesus isn’t out feeding the hungry, healing the blind, raising the dead, or instantly fermenting wine, the great one is helping demons possess members of the swine family. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, that’s why Jesus came out with brand new line of demon repellant for pigs...







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1. I Want To Cross Him Out Of My Life

2. How’s It Hangin’?

3. Double Crossed

4. The Thorny Hat Dance

5. (Not) Coming Back

6. Lookin’ Sexy Up There

7. Son of a Bitch

8. Dead As A Doornail

9. Come On Down From Yonder

10. Who’s The Father?

11. Eating The Hot Body Of Christ

12. Our God Is A Mediocre God

13. He Touched Me (For Only 5 Bucks)

14. Cheap Wine, Shitty Water

15. Crazy Whore Mary

16. Savior Breath

17. I Can Savior Ass

18. Jesus Saves (On Car Insurance)

19. Stop Calling Me A Sheep, You Asshole

20. Children, Cum On To My Face

21. On My Knees Again

22. I Got Nailed

23. That Cross Looks Heavy

24. Oh Christ, It’s Only Monday

25. Fuck my (after) life



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Suggested Improvements: NOTHING! This is by far, the greatest miracle in history. Many people say that life itself is a miracle; I say that’s bullshit. THIS takes the miracle cake, and I couldn’t think of anything more impressive. My mind is blown.



Well...



Not exactly...



Anyone who is speechless over the miracles of Jesus must have horribly low standards. Is that all it takes to impress people these days? A wine trick here, a water illusion there, blah, blah, blah. For being a direct descendant of God, Jesus sure had some pretty weak skills. Perhaps talent doesn’t run in the family? Compare God’s big accomplishments to Jesus’ boring magic tricks. Big daddy created the Earth, all life on it, and the rest of the universe. Jesus withered fig trees and cast demons in to pigs. Not so awesome, and definitely not worth donating 10% of my cash to his zombified Sunday congregations. Jesus just wasn’t that impressive. If you can’t pick up your jaw off the floor when you hear about one of his silly miracles, it probably doesn’t take a whole lot to impress you. I can drink 6 Guinness in one hour and not throw up. Impressed yet? Good, come to my house every Sunday and write me a check for 100 bucks. Tell your friends.