The Worst Type Of Christian You'll Ever Encounter

The award goes to...



Fat, Unemployed, Soccer Mom Hogs.



This is, by far, the worst kind of Christian you will ever encounter. Running into one of these heavyweight zealots can quickly ruin your day and jeopardize your sanity. These lard assed housewives usually clock in around 225lbs but it's not uncommon to find them at an Earth shattering 350lbs or more. They come equipped with horrible perms, obnoxious magenta lipstick, and a gold cross necklace that is almost entirely engulfed by their blubbery necks. They aren't shy about their ridiculous faith, as the average specimen can't last twenty seconds in a conversation without dropping a J-bomb or giving a critique of last week's sermon. If their mouths aren't open to spew Biblical trash to everyone in a 10 foot radius, their mouths are open in order to stuff down another Whopper Value Meal with a DIET COKE. Despite the desperate pleas of everyone else around them, they just can't seem to shut the fuck up for an extended period of time. Even worse, it's rare that anything remotely intelligent escapes their mouth, as they barely graduated high school only to drop out of community college. They don't need a job because their sexually frustrated husband drags home all of the income. They park their fat asses in the living room equipped with a Holy Bible, a pink highlighter, and a family size box of Wheat Thins. (Eating 17,000 Wheat Thins in one sitting WILL NOT MAKE YOU THIN.)



These walruses have an opinion about everything despite their lack of real world experience. They champion a backwards Old Testament morality figure which is force fed upon their children: Homosexuals are subhuman and should not be treated as equals, those who worship different Gods or no God at all deserve eternal punishment, and children who don't follow their parents' orders will someday rot in Hell. They think the Internet is evil, television is blasphemous, and public schools are full of sin; so they screw their children out of a social life by homeschooling them and cutting them off from all forms of media. In most cases, their children grow up to hate them and their husband ends up cheating on them with his secretary. She'll forgive her husband to score points with her Bible study group and because she doesn't have a choice. She needs the financial support and would not survive in the real world where it's not good enough to sit on the fucking couch and highlight scripture all day while listening to "Our God Is An Awesome God." Even the asshole God she worships can't help but take a giant shit in her box of Wheat Thins; can't say she didn't have it coming.



Man, that's fucking accurate.



..

Name: God

Occupation: Celestial babysitter, universe development coordinator, shrink, psychotherapist.

Interests: Blood, human suffering, evolutionary biology, killing children (including my own), killing everyone.

Hobbies: Drinking blood, creating deadly natural disasters, laughing at cancer patients, killing fags.

About Me: Blood drinking champion for over 4,000 years, obsessed with playing Sim-Universe, all around nice guy. Got sick of paying child support to my crazy ex (Mary), so I just killed my kid and solved that problem. No more child = No more child support! LOL! I’m not too fond of my asshole neighbor in the Deep South (Satan), thinking about moving further north sometime soon or just walking over there and shooting him in the face.

Did I mention how much I love Sim-Universe? Everyone in my Sim-Universe thinks I’m watching each of them all the time and that I actually care about each one of ‘em! They look at me to solve all of their petty problems. But I can’t help it; I keep pressing the kill button and sending natural disasters and plagues to see how they deal with it! LOL! I answer a few prayers here and there, and they forgive me for everything bad I’ve done! LOL! IDIOTS! Oh well, they keep me entertained on Friday nights when none of the angels want to go bar hopping with me.

Hit me up via Prayer, you’ve got about a 50/50 chance of getting at me. Don’t bother during the holidays or on Sundays, my Sims drive me crazyyyy! LOL!.

What a stud indeed. If you love an abusive, murderous, genocidal, bigot, bipolar, douche bag, you’ve made your match. Congratulations, enjoy each other’s company while I go enjoy another beer.

My Encounter With A Jehovah's Witness [NOT GOOD]

As I was getting in to my car after exiting the supermarket, I heard a voice call to me. “Excuse me, I’m part of a Christian ministry and I’d like to give you this.” I let out a sigh as I turned around to get a glimpse of the female voice demanding my time and attention. I was greeted by a fistful of cheaply printed literature in front of a row of glimmering white teeth and a fairly nice set of jugs. I did my best to grin, nod, and accept what she was offering without firing off my mouth because this lady was definitely an 8 out of 10 without any beer. So, I let her ramble a few uninspiring verses to me while I imagined myself banging the Christ out of her in the back seat of my car. Unfortunately the more she spoke, the less attractive she became. When she finally slid down to being a 4 out of 10, I remembered that I was wasting my time and allowing my brain cells to be abused. So I winked and her, licked my lips, and let her know in a rather disgusting way that her thighs are definitely Heaven-sent. After she told me to go fuck myself, I sat down in my car, fastened my seatbelt, and looked down at the shitpile that now occupied my hands. It was a brochure summarizing the divisions in the scientific community about evolution, carbon dating, and other issues that scientists just can’t seem to agree on. Therefore (get ready for this one), the Jehovah Witnesses have undisputed answers from God for any questions in the world! Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? The church knows all of this information, and they’ll let you in on their secrets for a small weekly contribution.

These are excerpts from the actual brochure that I was given by the beautiful breasted Jehovah’s Witness.

Many go about their daily affairs oblivious to the instruction, warnings, promises, and blessings available to them through study and appreciation of God’s message to man – The Bible. It is as if the directions were for only a certain few and to be ignored by the great majority. God knew before creation that man would rebel and require reconciliation (Eph. 2:3). He sent his Son to redeem a lost world and to reconcile both Jew and Gentile in one body, which is the church. (John 3:14-21; Eph. 2:13-18). The Epistles of the New Testament are for instruction to those who have already obeyed first principles and have been added to the church (Acts 2:47). But the Lord’s command is to take his gospel message to every creature in the while world (Matt. 28:18-20) (Mark 16:15-16). The invitation is, “whosoever.” This means that everybody is subject. The Lord is not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance (II Peter 3:9)

How cute. Where do we start with this one?

Many go about their daily affairs oblivious to the instruction, warnings, promises, and blessings available to them through study and appreciation of God’s message to man – The Bible.

Wonderful! So, through studying The Bible I can learn about how I’ll be punished by this asshole? Then I can learn about his faulty promises of eternal harp lessons in the clouds and a grand entrance through the pearly gates? I feel like a perfectly capable human being, but maybe I need some instructions for my life after all. Apparently I can’t take a shit without someone telling me how to spread my cheeks and wipe after I’m done pushing

God knew before creation that man would rebel and require reconciliation.

If God knew in advance that his creations would rebel against him, then why would he continue creation in the first place? Why create something that you know will rebel against you? This clearly demonstrates that God was either a complete dumbass or he was asking for it. Creating a living species that you knew in advance was going to rebel against you would either serve as a form of entertainment, agony, or both. It is painfully obvious that God would simply be considered a self-absorbed dickhead with a sick sense of humor if he were ever to be put in human form. Watching people struggle through life and enjoying every minute of it while they try to overcome ridiculous obstacles is the sign of a mentally deranged individual; and those that choose to participate in this twisted game might earn a similar diagnosis.

He sent his Son to redeem a lost world and to reconcile both Jew and Gentile in one body, which is the church.

HUH?

Every once in a while you come across a Bible verse that is so stupid it makes you want to chew broken glass. What the hell is the point of this line? Doesn’t the creator of the universe have more important things to write about? How about talking about something relevant? I suppose discussing the secrets to nuclear fusion or interdimensional travel would be completely out of line. Why talk about something useful when you can simply take up space with meaningless banter? I’ll do the same thing right now; I’m going to follow in God’s footsteps by clogging up this blog with meaningless shit. Here we go:

The green hippopotamus has been condemned by the waffle prince to die by the sword. In a bold move, the green hippopotamus shits a strawberry sundae and delays his death. Instead, he sent his son to redeem the sacred unicorn and to fuse both penis and popsicle, which is called a sucker.

But I’m the one who’s stupid. I’m the one who needs to be saved, helped, and guided. I can’t count how many times the following scenario has replayed itself throughout my life:

1. Religious nut job takes offense to negative remark I make about the Bible or simply gets pissy because I think it’s practically worthless.

2. Said nut job then asks ten million dollar question: “Have you even read the Bible.”

3. I reply with “Yes, probably more than you have.”

4. Nut job auto-responds with one of the following phrases:

“Well maybe you need to read it again.”

“Well you just don’t understand it.”

“Well maybe you need to read it again in order to really understand it.”

I guess they are implying that I need to read it as many times as it takes for me to “fall for it.” I haven’t been suckered in yet, so the solution would be to read it again until my IQ drops below critical. Now it’s obvious that I’m not a genius, but I don’t think it takes one to understand the Bible. I got a pretty damned good idea of what the book was trying to convey the first time around. Sadly, the second and third times I drudged through the book didn’t exactly spark a Eureka moment. What the hell am I supposed to get out of this anyways? Do I read it until I get so high on Christ that I don’t need to pack a bowl anymore? Do I over immerse myself in the Bronze Age folklore until my sense of reality and logic are completely distorted? Shit, I can get the same effect by drinking a 12 pack!

Does God Get Diarrhea?

Jesus Isn't Coming Back For A Reunion Tour

"He is coming!” warns the billboard that sits on a desolate highway. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing as I drove past this gem. I had to make an extra effort to hold the piss in my bladder because the backdrop behind the vengeful text was the cliché “holy light source” emanating from the clouds. Do people really take things like this seriously? Do people really, really believe that a mythical figure is going to escalate down from the clouds and alleviate them from their Earthly responsibilities? With all due respect, that’s the second dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. I will make two equally confident guarantees…

1. Jesus is not going to ascend from the heavens and return to Earth.

2. There are no invisible, bisexual, homicidal sheep with 8 heads that will one day invade the Earth and bring about Armageddon.

I have equal confidence in both circumstances, because they are both equally as stupid. Unfortunately, such ridiculousness is not uncommon among the devout, and unfortunately I have to hear about it. Not only are my ears polluted by this crap, I’m expected to automatically grant respect to this moronic claim. Not only do I have zero respect for this notion that Christ is going to sail down here from Heaven to judge the quick and the dead, I have decided to capitalize on the fact that people sincerely believe this stuff. I have decided to bet people money that Jesus isn’t coming back. You might think I’m an asshole for doing this, but it’s actually for the benefit of all Christians and myself. Even though the odds are stacked in my favor, Christians will still win (points with Jesus) even if they lose to me. Check out this display of shear brilliance…

THE BET

I will make an open bet with anybody right now that Jesus is not coming back today, tomorrow, or ever. I am making an open call and an open bet to all Christians; more specifically those Christians who have been searching for the ultimate way to put their faith to the test. Lay that faith on the line people! Take your grocery money for the week and gamble it away on the return of Jesus. Now that’s faith at it’s finest! Here are the provisions for my bet…

BET: Jesus will not return to Earth before a certain time.

FINE PRINT:

• I am willing to wager any denomination of money.

• You pick the expected date of Christ’s return.

• If Jesus is to return on or before the predicted date, I will double your money. For example: If you wager $100 and win the bet, I will pay you $200.

• If Jesus does not return, I will simply keep your money.

• I will keep your initial bet money and do with it as I please. I return, I will give you a contract stating my intent to repay you. This eliminates “cold feet” when it comes down to the final days of the deal, preventing you from withdrawing your bet.

Put simply, give me $100 and tell me when you think Jesus will come back. If he comes back on or before that date, you win $200. If he’s not back by that date, I get to keep your $100. By the way, don’t think that Jesus appearing in a piece of toast counts as his second coming. Jesus has to come down from the clouds and start destroying shit. It’s got to be Revelations style carnage or it doesn’t count. I want bodies flying everywhere, hospitals burning, and fireballs raining down everywhere! I guess I would have a hard time paying you back if I were to suddenly die in the carnage, but that’s no excuse to not put your faith to the test.

I have more faith that Jesus is not coming back than anybody out there. Anyone who claims to have equal faith that he is coming back needs to step up or shut up. Jesus is as dead as Elvis, and I’d be willing to make the same wager for Elvis. How can I be so confident that Jesus isn’t returning? When was the last time anyone has ever come back from the dead? How many people, Gods, or sons of Gods have ever come back to Earth for “Round 2?” The answer might surprise you: A whopping zero. That’s right, nobody has ever come back from the dead, nobody has ever descended from the sky to kill off the sinners of the world and rescue the churchgoers from their horrible lives here on Earth. I invite all Christians to stop talking shit about their faith in God, Jesus, the Virgin Mary, the Holy Spirit, all of the saints, and everyone else that’s on the Christ wagon. I will say this: You do not have the balls to bet me money that Jesus is coming back. If you are so incredibly sure that he is coming back, this should be a no brainer. It’s time to shut your mouth and open your wallet bitches.

An astounding number of people out there are absolutely positive about the return of Jesus. They seem to have the same conviction of his return that they have of the sun rising every morning. So if you happen to be one of those, then I’m begging you to cut to the front of the line and slam your money down on the table in front of me. Even if you lose the bet, look on the bright side…

• After you die, your money is worthless anyways

• You have to be poor to get in to Heaven

• If I’m rich, you won’t have to put up with me in Heaven

• You might score some points with the J-crew for at least trying to stand up against a blasphemous asshole such as myself

It’s a win/win situation for everyone! If you are so confident that Jesus is coming back to decapitate the non-believers, put your money where your mouth is or forever hold your peace. Some people claim to know that Jesus is coming back because of personal conversations with him or his father. I invite these extra special lunatics to skip to the front of the line and bet their life savings. Claiming to know that Jesus is going to float down from the clouds and return to Earth pushes a new level of insanity. Trying to understand how people get sucked this far in to religious fallacy causes me to drink uncontrollably.