My Encounter With A Jehovah's Witness [NOT GOOD]

As I was getting in to my car after exiting the supermarket, I heard a voice call to me. “Excuse me, I’m part of a Christian ministry and I’d like to give you this.” I let out a sigh as I turned around to get a glimpse of the female voice demanding my time and attention. I was greeted by a fistful of cheaply printed literature in front of a row of glimmering white teeth and a fairly nice set of jugs. I did my best to grin, nod, and accept what she was offering without firing off my mouth because this lady was definitely an 8 out of 10 without any beer. So, I let her ramble a few uninspiring verses to me while I imagined myself banging the Christ out of her in the back seat of my car. Unfortunately the more she spoke, the less attractive she became. When she finally slid down to being a 4 out of 10, I remembered that I was wasting my time and allowing my brain cells to be abused. So I winked and her, licked my lips, and let her know in a rather disgusting way that her thighs are definitely Heaven-sent. After she told me to go fuck myself, I sat down in my car, fastened my seatbelt, and looked down at the shitpile that now occupied my hands. It was a brochure summarizing the divisions in the scientific community about evolution, carbon dating, and other issues that scientists just can’t seem to agree on. Therefore (get ready for this one), the Jehovah Witnesses have undisputed answers from God for any questions in the world! Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? The church knows all of this information, and they’ll let you in on their secrets for a small weekly contribution.

These are excerpts from the actual brochure that I was given by the beautiful breasted Jehovah’s Witness.

Many go about their daily affairs oblivious to the instruction, warnings, promises, and blessings available to them through study and appreciation of God’s message to man – The Bible. It is as if the directions were for only a certain few and to be ignored by the great majority. God knew before creation that man would rebel and require reconciliation (Eph. 2:3). He sent his Son to redeem a lost world and to reconcile both Jew and Gentile in one body, which is the church. (John 3:14-21; Eph. 2:13-18). The Epistles of the New Testament are for instruction to those who have already obeyed first principles and have been added to the church (Acts 2:47). But the Lord’s command is to take his gospel message to every creature in the while world (Matt. 28:18-20) (Mark 16:15-16). The invitation is, “whosoever.” This means that everybody is subject. The Lord is not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance (II Peter 3:9)

How cute. Where do we start with this one?

Many go about their daily affairs oblivious to the instruction, warnings, promises, and blessings available to them through study and appreciation of God’s message to man – The Bible.

Wonderful! So, through studying The Bible I can learn about how I’ll be punished by this asshole? Then I can learn about his faulty promises of eternal harp lessons in the clouds and a grand entrance through the pearly gates? I feel like a perfectly capable human being, but maybe I need some instructions for my life after all. Apparently I can’t take a shit without someone telling me how to spread my cheeks and wipe after I’m done pushing

God knew before creation that man would rebel and require reconciliation.

If God knew in advance that his creations would rebel against him, then why would he continue creation in the first place? Why create something that you know will rebel against you? This clearly demonstrates that God was either a complete dumbass or he was asking for it. Creating a living species that you knew in advance was going to rebel against you would either serve as a form of entertainment, agony, or both. It is painfully obvious that God would simply be considered a self-absorbed dickhead with a sick sense of humor if he were ever to be put in human form. Watching people struggle through life and enjoying every minute of it while they try to overcome ridiculous obstacles is the sign of a mentally deranged individual; and those that choose to participate in this twisted game might earn a similar diagnosis.

He sent his Son to redeem a lost world and to reconcile both Jew and Gentile in one body, which is the church.

HUH?

Every once in a while you come across a Bible verse that is so stupid it makes you want to chew broken glass. What the hell is the point of this line? Doesn’t the creator of the universe have more important things to write about? How about talking about something relevant? I suppose discussing the secrets to nuclear fusion or interdimensional travel would be completely out of line. Why talk about something useful when you can simply take up space with meaningless banter? I’ll do the same thing right now; I’m going to follow in God’s footsteps by clogging up this blog with meaningless shit. Here we go:

The green hippopotamus has been condemned by the waffle prince to die by the sword. In a bold move, the green hippopotamus shits a strawberry sundae and delays his death. Instead, he sent his son to redeem the sacred unicorn and to fuse both penis and popsicle, which is called a sucker.

But I’m the one who’s stupid. I’m the one who needs to be saved, helped, and guided. I can’t count how many times the following scenario has replayed itself throughout my life:

1. Religious nut job takes offense to negative remark I make about the Bible or simply gets pissy because I think it’s practically worthless.

2. Said nut job then asks ten million dollar question: “Have you even read the Bible.”

3. I reply with “Yes, probably more than you have.”

4. Nut job auto-responds with one of the following phrases:

“Well maybe you need to read it again.”

“Well you just don’t understand it.”

“Well maybe you need to read it again in order to really understand it.”

I guess they are implying that I need to read it as many times as it takes for me to “fall for it.” I haven’t been suckered in yet, so the solution would be to read it again until my IQ drops below critical. Now it’s obvious that I’m not a genius, but I don’t think it takes one to understand the Bible. I got a pretty damned good idea of what the book was trying to convey the first time around. Sadly, the second and third times I drudged through the book didn’t exactly spark a Eureka moment. What the hell am I supposed to get out of this anyways? Do I read it until I get so high on Christ that I don’t need to pack a bowl anymore? Do I over immerse myself in the Bronze Age folklore until my sense of reality and logic are completely distorted? Shit, I can get the same effect by drinking a 12 pack!

Does God Get Diarrhea?