The award goes to...
Fat, Unemployed, Soccer Mom Hogs.
This is, by far, the worst kind of Christian you will ever encounter. Running into one of these heavyweight zealots can quickly ruin your day and jeopardize your sanity. These lard assed housewives usually clock in around 225lbs but it's not uncommon to find them at an Earth shattering 350lbs or more. They come equipped with horrible perms, obnoxious magenta lipstick, and a gold cross necklace that is almost entirely engulfed by their blubbery necks. They aren't shy about their ridiculous faith, as the average specimen can't last twenty seconds in a conversation without dropping a J-bomb or giving a critique of last week's sermon. If their mouths aren't open to spew Biblical trash to everyone in a 10 foot radius, their mouths are open in order to stuff down another Whopper Value Meal with a DIET COKE. Despite the desperate pleas of everyone else around them, they just can't seem to shut the fuck up for an extended period of time. Even worse, it's rare that anything remotely intelligent escapes their mouth, as they barely graduated high school only to drop out of community college. They don't need a job because their sexually frustrated husband drags home all of the income. They park their fat asses in the living room equipped with a Holy Bible, a pink highlighter, and a family size box of Wheat Thins. (Eating 17,000 Wheat Thins in one sitting WILL NOT MAKE YOU THIN.)
These walruses have an opinion about everything despite their lack of real world experience. They champion a backwards Old Testament morality figure which is force fed upon their children: Homosexuals are subhuman and should not be treated as equals, those who worship different Gods or no God at all deserve eternal punishment, and children who don't follow their parents' orders will someday rot in Hell. They think the Internet is evil, television is blasphemous, and public schools are full of sin; so they screw their children out of a social life by homeschooling them and cutting them off from all forms of media. In most cases, their children grow up to hate them and their husband ends up cheating on them with his secretary. She'll forgive her husband to score points with her Bible study group and because she doesn't have a choice. She needs the financial support and would not survive in the real world where it's not good enough to sit on the fucking couch and highlight scripture all day while listening to "Our God Is An Awesome God." Even the asshole God she worships can't help but take a giant shit in her box of Wheat Thins; can't say she didn't have it coming.
Man, that's fucking accurate.
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Tuesday, February 23, 2010
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I'm a bit of a "fat assed" mom myself, but minus the permed hair and tacky lipstick. And minus the cross, of course.
ReplyDeleteThe best I could manage was to show up at my son's soccer games in a bright blue shirt that says, "GODLESS," care of FFRF.
In this, I managaed to turn a few heads and, most wonderfully, embarass my evil ex-husband. He's the one who started going back to church *after* I told him I was leaving him. In fact, he went *every day,* even to the point of joining the old ladies' Novena group to pray for me to change my mind.
If it had occurred to him that going out daily looking for an actual *job* rather than going to church instead might have kept me around, then...well, honestly it wouldn't have worked either.
God = 0 Me = 1
moral of the story: Novenas don't work.
LOL Kodo -
ReplyDeleteThe woman in this vid appears to be bipolar. And look at how she is traumatizing her kids more than she thinks that "Dark sided woman" could ever do. What upsets me most is the youngest girl and the expression on her face. She's truly terrified. And the father does nothing to stop this foolishness. The entire family is paralyzed by the crazy Christian woman. I imagine that they have to walk on eggshells a lot in that family.
December 9, 2010 12:49 PM