Jesus Isn't Coming Back For A Reunion Tour

"He is coming!” warns the billboard that sits on a desolate highway. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing as I drove past this gem. I had to make an extra effort to hold the piss in my bladder because the backdrop behind the vengeful text was the cliché “holy light source” emanating from the clouds. Do people really take things like this seriously? Do people really, really believe that a mythical figure is going to escalate down from the clouds and alleviate them from their Earthly responsibilities? With all due respect, that’s the second dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. I will make two equally confident guarantees…

1. Jesus is not going to ascend from the heavens and return to Earth.

2. There are no invisible, bisexual, homicidal sheep with 8 heads that will one day invade the Earth and bring about Armageddon.

I have equal confidence in both circumstances, because they are both equally as stupid. Unfortunately, such ridiculousness is not uncommon among the devout, and unfortunately I have to hear about it. Not only are my ears polluted by this crap, I’m expected to automatically grant respect to this moronic claim. Not only do I have zero respect for this notion that Christ is going to sail down here from Heaven to judge the quick and the dead, I have decided to capitalize on the fact that people sincerely believe this stuff. I have decided to bet people money that Jesus isn’t coming back. You might think I’m an asshole for doing this, but it’s actually for the benefit of all Christians and myself. Even though the odds are stacked in my favor, Christians will still win (points with Jesus) even if they lose to me. Check out this display of shear brilliance…

THE BET

I will make an open bet with anybody right now that Jesus is not coming back today, tomorrow, or ever. I am making an open call and an open bet to all Christians; more specifically those Christians who have been searching for the ultimate way to put their faith to the test. Lay that faith on the line people! Take your grocery money for the week and gamble it away on the return of Jesus. Now that’s faith at it’s finest! Here are the provisions for my bet…

BET: Jesus will not return to Earth before a certain time.

FINE PRINT:

• I am willing to wager any denomination of money.

• You pick the expected date of Christ’s return.

• If Jesus is to return on or before the predicted date, I will double your money. For example: If you wager $100 and win the bet, I will pay you $200.

• If Jesus does not return, I will simply keep your money.

• I will keep your initial bet money and do with it as I please. I return, I will give you a contract stating my intent to repay you. This eliminates “cold feet” when it comes down to the final days of the deal, preventing you from withdrawing your bet.

Put simply, give me $100 and tell me when you think Jesus will come back. If he comes back on or before that date, you win $200. If he’s not back by that date, I get to keep your $100. By the way, don’t think that Jesus appearing in a piece of toast counts as his second coming. Jesus has to come down from the clouds and start destroying shit. It’s got to be Revelations style carnage or it doesn’t count. I want bodies flying everywhere, hospitals burning, and fireballs raining down everywhere! I guess I would have a hard time paying you back if I were to suddenly die in the carnage, but that’s no excuse to not put your faith to the test.

I have more faith that Jesus is not coming back than anybody out there. Anyone who claims to have equal faith that he is coming back needs to step up or shut up. Jesus is as dead as Elvis, and I’d be willing to make the same wager for Elvis. How can I be so confident that Jesus isn’t returning? When was the last time anyone has ever come back from the dead? How many people, Gods, or sons of Gods have ever come back to Earth for “Round 2?” The answer might surprise you: A whopping zero. That’s right, nobody has ever come back from the dead, nobody has ever descended from the sky to kill off the sinners of the world and rescue the churchgoers from their horrible lives here on Earth. I invite all Christians to stop talking shit about their faith in God, Jesus, the Virgin Mary, the Holy Spirit, all of the saints, and everyone else that’s on the Christ wagon. I will say this: You do not have the balls to bet me money that Jesus is coming back. If you are so incredibly sure that he is coming back, this should be a no brainer. It’s time to shut your mouth and open your wallet bitches.

An astounding number of people out there are absolutely positive about the return of Jesus. They seem to have the same conviction of his return that they have of the sun rising every morning. So if you happen to be one of those, then I’m begging you to cut to the front of the line and slam your money down on the table in front of me. Even if you lose the bet, look on the bright side…

• After you die, your money is worthless anyways

• You have to be poor to get in to Heaven

• If I’m rich, you won’t have to put up with me in Heaven

• You might score some points with the J-crew for at least trying to stand up against a blasphemous asshole such as myself

It’s a win/win situation for everyone! If you are so confident that Jesus is coming back to decapitate the non-believers, put your money where your mouth is or forever hold your peace. Some people claim to know that Jesus is coming back because of personal conversations with him or his father. I invite these extra special lunatics to skip to the front of the line and bet their life savings. Claiming to know that Jesus is going to float down from the clouds and return to Earth pushes a new level of insanity. Trying to understand how people get sucked this far in to religious fallacy causes me to drink uncontrollably.