Checkmate, Atheists!

Sometimes being an atheist is tough, but these videos should make it pretty easy. People ask me why I pick on religious folk, and I honestly don't know the answer. But it sure is fun!







Check out this footage! For a place that's so against homosexuality, I've never seen so many men touching each other with their eyes closed. The women aren't exactly acting heater either. I sure hope that God can protect them against Athlete's Foot, because the women seem to think that dancing barefoot on carpet is a fabulous idea. The music is fucking atrocious. It's same 3 second loop over and over, which is about all the musicians seem to be capable of handling. Oh, and someone tell the super sized chick at 3:10 to stop crying, the KFC buffet is open on Sunday.






http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkahDsyNSxY



The kids look so thrilled to be at this indoctrination camp run by some of the ugliest adults I have ever seen. The dudes in the back look like they are going to puke and pass out from boredom. Some dick has a seizure at 1:10, and what does his dumbass friend do? HE CELEBRATES. Seizure boy stays passed out for the rest of the video, and some asshole actually takes a picture of him laying on the ground at 2:11. The 2:30 mark represents the climax of the video, as Sally blue skirt, fancy feet, can't-see-what-the-fuck-is-infront-of-me, arm flailer loses complete control of her motor skills and erupts into a level 5 shitfit.









Is that a pack of wolves having their intestines ripped out or a church service gone horribly wrong? Obnoxious pricks. Not many highlights in this one, just a room full of people with a combined IQ of 14 acting like rabid coyotes. If their children acted like this at home, they would get their asses kicked. At 1:21, we see the jolly green giant hop up on a chair like a goddamned two year old and start conducting an invisible symphony. A little later at 2:37, we catch a few air-pushups performed by not-so-pretty in pink. Other than that, you are in for almost 4 minutes of shitty singing accompanied by a crowd of howling banshees.









Holy shit, where do we start? Anyone else find it odd that his head is black and the rest of his body is white? This guy is higher than a kite and has a look in his eyes as if he just beat his grandmother to death with a rolling pin. The music is bad enough, but it gets even worse as he tries his luck at karaoke. I can see Jesus crying and slitting his wrists to this video, just like I was.









The idiot at center stage is so distracting that you can't even tell that the preacher is actually a woman. She sounds like my uncle when he has a few drinks and starts bitching about the government. The lady in front has obviously been clubbing all night and accidentally walked into a church service still high on ecstasy. She must think the preacher is the DJ, and the music is still thumping. Someone call her a cab.









See that lady in the red? She votes.









A timeless classic in a contest to see who can draw the most attention to themselves. We start off with the Pillsbury doughboy running laps on stage until the camera focuses on the jackass in black who dominates the next 45 seconds. At the 0:58 second mark, the moron in the blue blouse decides that she's not acting retarded enough. She throws herself into a full blown shitstorm, turning her arms into deadly whips and dominating the competition. Not to be outdone, black shirt begins performing bobbing 360s. Then out of fucking NOWHERE, some guy in the front row loses his shit and steals the show in a all out epileptic stomping fit. Then, some asshole in a yellow shirt thinks he can steal his thunder, but gets knocked the fuck down by the epileptic stomper at 1:34.









Don't miss Holy Ghost Explosion 2: Return of the Shitheads. Doughboy is still on stage creating a gravitational disturbance that is slowly altering the orbit of the moon. Don't miss the debut of his disgusting female companion who is either crying out of embarrassment or the fact that nobody wants to see her naked. Some douche bag starts whipping his smelly underwear around like a flag at 0:28, and we have a specimen at 0:47 that wandered off from the Bingo hall waving his arms in disapproval. It looks like he's signaling everyone to get the fuck out of his sight, yet he's smiling beyond his own control. No Henry, nobody called G47 and you don't have Bingo.









I thought I was the only one that laughed my balls off all the way through a church service. The funniest part is, there's a guy on the ground that is NOT MOVING. Look everyone, he's dead! HAHAHAHAHHAHAA!! LET'S TAKE TURNS RAPING HIS CORPSE!!









Nauseating. The crowd couldn't sing loud enough to drown out this sonic assault. If I was God, I'd be throwing down lightning bolts after the first 3 notes, but I'd switch over to throwing refrigerators starting at 2:10 to make sure the bastard couldn't sing another note. I didn't think it could get any worse until 2:55 came rolling along. You'd think with all those notes flying around that one of them would be remotely close. I guess that would be asking far too much.









Nothing says "Turn the other cheek" like punching somebody in the face, especially when you are a male preacher beating up a female attendee. Yeah that's right champ, knock her the fuck out infront of the entire congregation and show her who's boss. That's one way to get donations.









I'd rather have sex with a AIDS infested rhinoceros than listen to this song again. Jesus has officially cancelled his friendship with each one of these loons after witnessing this abomination. Naturally, I thought this was a joke so I started laughing. Then I started crying about halfway through, realizing that these people were totally serious. They must have all emerged from their parents' basement in a coordinated effort to see how many virgins they can pack into a single room and ruin any future chance of getting laid. It's a catchy tune though, it's been stuck in my head for past few days and I can't seem to shake it. In unrelated news, I want to stick my head in the microwave.

The Shitty Magic of Jesus Christ

It’s a miracle! Holy shit it’s a miracle! This man has transformed water in to wine without fermentation or a grape press! This man has withered a fig tree in front of everyone’s eyes! This man has cast demons out of a heard of swine! He’s healed a blind woman, walked on water, and raised the dead! He even knows tonight’s winning lottery numbers! For being the Son of God, Jesus had some lame ass miracles. I for one am completely unimpressed; I would have expected a lot more out of a direct descendent of the grand creator. I’m not sure why people are so blown away by the alleged miracles of Christ; I guess they are easily amused. Let’s take a look at a few of J-man’s unimpressive magic tricks. We’ll use the trusty Impress-o-meter to see how each of his miracles rank, as well as give Jesus some suggested improvements...



THE WITHERING OF THE FIG TREE

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 1





Early in the morning, as he was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.
- Matthew 21:18-19



One day, as Jesus was strolling along the road with his posse, he spotted a fig tree beside the road. Jesus was hungry, but the fig tree wasn’t bearing the slightest bit of fruit. Slightly pissed off, Jesus decides to try out some of his magic to impress his followers. Jesus waved his hands around, performed an Irish jig, and chanted, “May you never bear fruit again!” Miraculously, the fig tree withered away. The disciples shit their robes over and over again in amazement.



Suggested improvements: Put yourself in the Jesus’ shoes for a minute, and imagine what you would do given the following circumstances...



- You are the Son of God
- You have kick ass magic powers that enable you to do just about anything
- You happen to be hungry
- You happen to stumble upon a fig tree



Being the all-knowing Son of God, you know the following equation to be true...


Hungry + Figs = No more hunger



Issue: Fig tree is not currently producing fruit.

Question: What do you do to the fig tree?



A. Kill the fucker


B. MAKE THE FIG TREE GROW FRUIT (COUGH, COUGH, PICK ME)



Way to go Jesus, you’ve just destroyed the closest food option for miles. Why not just drop a nuke on the nearest fruit stand while you’re at it? What if your followers were hungry as well? Did you suddenly get tired of feeding the masses and helping others in need? Not impressed Jesus, not impressed...



WALKING ON WATER

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 2





Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. - Matthew 14:25



By defying his father’s laws of physics and gravity, Jesus can magically support his weight on liquid surfaces. Sorry Jesus, you weren’t the first spooky space God to think of this one. Orion was doing this trick years before you were. This feat is unimaginative, unoriginal, and can literally be performed by almost anyone. If I get a huge running start, I can zip across a pool for a few seconds. Or if I wait until a pond freezes, I can run, skip, and jump as long as the ice can hold me. Yawn...



Suggested improvements: Walk on lava. That would be far more ass kicking than walking on water.



HEALING A BLIND MAN

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 3





Then He came to Bethsaida; and they brought a blind man to Him, and begged Him to touch him. So He took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the town. And when He had spit on his eyes and put His hands on him, He asked him if he saw anything. And he looked up and said, “I see men like trees, walking.” Then He put His hands on his eyes again and made him look up. And he was restored and saw everyone clearly. - Mark 8:22-25



Although this seems like such a nice gesture, you would hope that Jesus didn’t really have the power to heal the blind. If he did possess the power to heal the blind, and he truly was the Son of God, then why didn’t he just cure blindness all together? Why not help everybody instead of picking and choosing certain people for the sole purpose of trying to impress your followers? So much for being "all loving." If Jesus could truly heal the blind, he chose to let most of his talent go to waste and knowingly let millions of blind people suffer for thousands of years. Even if he actually healed those select few people of blindness, he obviously didn’t do it because he’s a nice guy. If Jesus was the true, all loving, all caring, messiah, Son of God, he would have wiped out the disability all together. Instead, he demonstrated his ability in order to draw attention to himself like a teenager on MySpace. Jesus wanted to be that guy at the party who could show off those mind blowing card tricks just so he could have a crowd of people oohing and ahhing all around him. What a douche.



Suggested improvements: Instead of simply looking for attention by healing a blind man in front of a crowd, simply eradicate blindness all together. If Jesus possessed the talent to rid blindness from people, and he willingly chose not to cure everyone, people should be outraged. Instead, they worship him and sing of his greatness. If there were a doctor alive today that had the magic ability to cure blindness, there would be lines out the door for his service. Let’s say the doctor spends a small fraction of his time healing a very select few people, and then spends the majority of his day running his mouth to the press about how great he is. That guy would have "asshole" written next to his name in every newspaper headline. He’s letting everyone else suffer from blindness and willfully choosing not to heal as many people as he could because he’s more concerned about his public image.



RAISING THE DEAD

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 3





Now all wept and mourned for her; but He said, “Do not weep; she is not dead, but sleeping.” And they ridiculed Him, knowing that she was dead. But He put them all outside, took her by the hand and called, saying, "Little girl, arise." Then her spirit returned, and she arose immediately. And He commanded that she be given something to eat. - Luke 8:52-56



Wow Jesus, very original and totally believable. How many Gods, prophets, and mystics claimed to raise the dead before you came along? Oh that’s right, you’re the real deal because the Bible says you are. So let’s entertain the thought that you really can raise the dead. Why would you do it? Why let anybody go through the pain, suffering, and anguish of death? Aren’t you and daddy dearest responsible for everyone’s death in the first place? Why put a family through the grieving process, when you intend to just bring back their loved one? Besides, when you bring a dead guy back to life, he’s just going to die again! They don’t get resurrected and live forever on Earth. We know this because there aren’t any people on this planet that are celebrating their 2,000th birthday. You bring someone back to life just to let them die once more and have their family grieve all over again? That’s really an asshole thing to do. Come on, even amateur magicians can pull off cool magic tricks without messing with people’s emotions. Killing someone, upsetting their family, and then hitting them with the punch line of "JUST KIDDING!" isn’t exactly the nicest thing to do.



Suggested improvements: Stop being a dick. Stop letting people die in the first place. If you insist on resurrecting the dead, let them live forever. But why don’t you check and make sure they want to come back from the dead first. If you accidentally raise someone from the dead that committed suicide, they might be slightly pissed off at you. They kill themselves to escape their excessive credit card debt, you decide to reverse the process, and now they’re back on Earth dealing with bill collectors. Not cool.



TURNING WATER IN TO WINE

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 8







And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece.  Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now. - John 2:6-10



The ultimate party trick! Invite the J-man to a party and you’ll never be dry! No more worrying about running out of alcohol when Jesus is around; stay shitfaced all night by keeping him next to stone waterpots. Try keeping him next to the sink to create a seemingly endless supply of party juice! Just don’t take a shower with him unless you want your skin to turn a hearty shade of maroon. In all seriousness, this miracle is pretty sweet. Anybody who can turn plain old water in to something, anything that can get me piss drunk is automatically a friend of mine. This is a far better miracle than raising the dead, killing fig trees, or healing blind people. This miracle is actually useful and fun.



Suggested improvements: I’m kind of an alcohol snob, so I would have to suggest that turning water in to a 12 pack of Guinness would be far more impressive to me. Either way, having a friend who can spice up your Saturday night without running to the liquor store is priceless. I would have to throw Jesus on my party guest list as long as he promised not to try any of his other magic tricks. Except for this one...



CASTING DEMONS IN TO A HEARD OF SWINE

Impress-o-meter Ranking: 10





Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them. And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. - Mark 5:11-13



I would expect nothing less than something as awesome as this from the son of a space God. When Jesus isn’t out feeding the hungry, healing the blind, raising the dead, or instantly fermenting wine, the great one is helping demons possess members of the swine family. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, that’s why Jesus came out with brand new line of demon repellant for pigs...







Are your hogs imitating the exorcist? Are they foaming at the mouth and sprouting horns? Are they spitting fireballs and drawing pentagrams all around the barn? Then you need Satanaway™ by JChrist! Stop letting your hogs carry out suicide missions because they can’t control their emotions! Just a few sprays of Satanaway™ and your hogs are demon free! Other brands made by Zeus, Mithra, and Mohammed leave a greasy residue, have a foul stench, and only get rid of demons that were fabricated before 2,000 B.C. Only Satanaway™ by JChrist can cast out all of those pesky swine demons once and for all.



AND THAT’S NOT ALL!



Call RIGHT NOW and we’ll double your order! You’ll get two bottles of Satanaway™ for only 73 easy payments $19.95! That’s DOUBLE the exorcising power for no extra charge, just pay separate shipping, handling, and applicable taxes.



BUT WAIT!



If you order in the next 10 minutes, we’ll also include Odin Zeus McGaffer’s latest CD called Freakin’ Jesus Freaks! This CD features all of your favorite songs of worship, praise, and glory; perfect background music while you are casting out pig demons! Tracks include...



1. I Want To Cross Him Out Of My Life

2. How’s It Hangin’?

3. Double Crossed

4. The Thorny Hat Dance

5. (Not) Coming Back

6. Lookin’ Sexy Up There

7. Son of a Bitch

8. Dead As A Doornail

9. Come On Down From Yonder

10. Who’s The Father?

11. Eating The Hot Body Of Christ

12. Our God Is A Mediocre God

13. He Touched Me (For Only 5 Bucks)

14. Cheap Wine, Shitty Water

15. Crazy Whore Mary

16. Savior Breath

17. I Can Savior Ass

18. Jesus Saves (On Car Insurance)

19. Stop Calling Me A Sheep, You Asshole

20. Children, Cum On To My Face

21. On My Knees Again

22. I Got Nailed

23. That Cross Looks Heavy

24. Oh Christ, It’s Only Monday

25. Fuck my (after) life



Don’t let the demons control your swine any longer! Get Satanaway™ right now, and watch it get the “Hell” out!







Suggested Improvements: NOTHING! This is by far, the greatest miracle in history. Many people say that life itself is a miracle; I say that’s bullshit. THIS takes the miracle cake, and I couldn’t think of anything more impressive. My mind is blown.



Well...



Not exactly...



Anyone who is speechless over the miracles of Jesus must have horribly low standards. Is that all it takes to impress people these days? A wine trick here, a water illusion there, blah, blah, blah. For being a direct descendant of God, Jesus sure had some pretty weak skills. Perhaps talent doesn’t run in the family? Compare God’s big accomplishments to Jesus’ boring magic tricks. Big daddy created the Earth, all life on it, and the rest of the universe. Jesus withered fig trees and cast demons in to pigs. Not so awesome, and definitely not worth donating 10% of my cash to his zombified Sunday congregations. Jesus just wasn’t that impressive. If you can’t pick up your jaw off the floor when you hear about one of his silly miracles, it probably doesn’t take a whole lot to impress you. I can drink 6 Guinness in one hour and not throw up. Impressed yet? Good, come to my house every Sunday and write me a check for 100 bucks. Tell your friends.

Oh Boy, Here Comes The Prude Parade

It has recently come to my attention that some of the pictures I post MIGHT be offensive to some people.  Thankfully, someone on Facebook has let me know that I should be ashamed of myself for posting such disgusting pictures.  I wasn't quite clear on which picture(s) she was talking about so I asked for clarification.

It was then, at that moment, a life changing conversation began to blossom...












Aw shit, was it something I said? :(

The Worst Type Of Christian You'll Ever Encounter

The award goes to...



Fat, Unemployed, Soccer Mom Hogs.



This is, by far, the worst kind of Christian you will ever encounter. Running into one of these heavyweight zealots can quickly ruin your day and jeopardize your sanity. These lard assed housewives usually clock in around 225lbs but it's not uncommon to find them at an Earth shattering 350lbs or more. They come equipped with horrible perms, obnoxious magenta lipstick, and a gold cross necklace that is almost entirely engulfed by their blubbery necks. They aren't shy about their ridiculous faith, as the average specimen can't last twenty seconds in a conversation without dropping a J-bomb or giving a critique of last week's sermon. If their mouths aren't open to spew Biblical trash to everyone in a 10 foot radius, their mouths are open in order to stuff down another Whopper Value Meal with a DIET COKE. Despite the desperate pleas of everyone else around them, they just can't seem to shut the fuck up for an extended period of time. Even worse, it's rare that anything remotely intelligent escapes their mouth, as they barely graduated high school only to drop out of community college. They don't need a job because their sexually frustrated husband drags home all of the income. They park their fat asses in the living room equipped with a Holy Bible, a pink highlighter, and a family size box of Wheat Thins. (Eating 17,000 Wheat Thins in one sitting WILL NOT MAKE YOU THIN.)



These walruses have an opinion about everything despite their lack of real world experience. They champion a backwards Old Testament morality figure which is force fed upon their children: Homosexuals are subhuman and should not be treated as equals, those who worship different Gods or no God at all deserve eternal punishment, and children who don't follow their parents' orders will someday rot in Hell. They think the Internet is evil, television is blasphemous, and public schools are full of sin; so they screw their children out of a social life by homeschooling them and cutting them off from all forms of media. In most cases, their children grow up to hate them and their husband ends up cheating on them with his secretary. She'll forgive her husband to score points with her Bible study group and because she doesn't have a choice. She needs the financial support and would not survive in the real world where it's not good enough to sit on the fucking couch and highlight scripture all day while listening to "Our God Is An Awesome God." Even the asshole God she worships can't help but take a giant shit in her box of Wheat Thins; can't say she didn't have it coming.



Man, that's fucking accurate.



..

Name: God

Occupation: Celestial babysitter, universe development coordinator, shrink, psychotherapist.

Interests: Blood, human suffering, evolutionary biology, killing children (including my own), killing everyone.

Hobbies: Drinking blood, creating deadly natural disasters, laughing at cancer patients, killing fags.

About Me: Blood drinking champion for over 4,000 years, obsessed with playing Sim-Universe, all around nice guy. Got sick of paying child support to my crazy ex (Mary), so I just killed my kid and solved that problem. No more child = No more child support! LOL! I’m not too fond of my asshole neighbor in the Deep South (Satan), thinking about moving further north sometime soon or just walking over there and shooting him in the face.

Did I mention how much I love Sim-Universe? Everyone in my Sim-Universe thinks I’m watching each of them all the time and that I actually care about each one of ‘em! They look at me to solve all of their petty problems. But I can’t help it; I keep pressing the kill button and sending natural disasters and plagues to see how they deal with it! LOL! I answer a few prayers here and there, and they forgive me for everything bad I’ve done! LOL! IDIOTS! Oh well, they keep me entertained on Friday nights when none of the angels want to go bar hopping with me.

Hit me up via Prayer, you’ve got about a 50/50 chance of getting at me. Don’t bother during the holidays or on Sundays, my Sims drive me crazyyyy! LOL!.

What a stud indeed. If you love an abusive, murderous, genocidal, bigot, bipolar, douche bag, you’ve made your match. Congratulations, enjoy each other’s company while I go enjoy another beer.

My Encounter With A Jehovah's Witness [NOT GOOD]

As I was getting in to my car after exiting the supermarket, I heard a voice call to me. “Excuse me, I’m part of a Christian ministry and I’d like to give you this.” I let out a sigh as I turned around to get a glimpse of the female voice demanding my time and attention. I was greeted by a fistful of cheaply printed literature in front of a row of glimmering white teeth and a fairly nice set of jugs. I did my best to grin, nod, and accept what she was offering without firing off my mouth because this lady was definitely an 8 out of 10 without any beer. So, I let her ramble a few uninspiring verses to me while I imagined myself banging the Christ out of her in the back seat of my car. Unfortunately the more she spoke, the less attractive she became. When she finally slid down to being a 4 out of 10, I remembered that I was wasting my time and allowing my brain cells to be abused. So I winked and her, licked my lips, and let her know in a rather disgusting way that her thighs are definitely Heaven-sent. After she told me to go fuck myself, I sat down in my car, fastened my seatbelt, and looked down at the shitpile that now occupied my hands. It was a brochure summarizing the divisions in the scientific community about evolution, carbon dating, and other issues that scientists just can’t seem to agree on. Therefore (get ready for this one), the Jehovah Witnesses have undisputed answers from God for any questions in the world! Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? The church knows all of this information, and they’ll let you in on their secrets for a small weekly contribution.

These are excerpts from the actual brochure that I was given by the beautiful breasted Jehovah’s Witness.

Many go about their daily affairs oblivious to the instruction, warnings, promises, and blessings available to them through study and appreciation of God’s message to man – The Bible. It is as if the directions were for only a certain few and to be ignored by the great majority. God knew before creation that man would rebel and require reconciliation (Eph. 2:3). He sent his Son to redeem a lost world and to reconcile both Jew and Gentile in one body, which is the church. (John 3:14-21; Eph. 2:13-18). The Epistles of the New Testament are for instruction to those who have already obeyed first principles and have been added to the church (Acts 2:47). But the Lord’s command is to take his gospel message to every creature in the while world (Matt. 28:18-20) (Mark 16:15-16). The invitation is, “whosoever.” This means that everybody is subject. The Lord is not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance (II Peter 3:9)

How cute. Where do we start with this one?

Many go about their daily affairs oblivious to the instruction, warnings, promises, and blessings available to them through study and appreciation of God’s message to man – The Bible.

Wonderful! So, through studying The Bible I can learn about how I’ll be punished by this asshole? Then I can learn about his faulty promises of eternal harp lessons in the clouds and a grand entrance through the pearly gates? I feel like a perfectly capable human being, but maybe I need some instructions for my life after all. Apparently I can’t take a shit without someone telling me how to spread my cheeks and wipe after I’m done pushing

God knew before creation that man would rebel and require reconciliation.

If God knew in advance that his creations would rebel against him, then why would he continue creation in the first place? Why create something that you know will rebel against you? This clearly demonstrates that God was either a complete dumbass or he was asking for it. Creating a living species that you knew in advance was going to rebel against you would either serve as a form of entertainment, agony, or both. It is painfully obvious that God would simply be considered a self-absorbed dickhead with a sick sense of humor if he were ever to be put in human form. Watching people struggle through life and enjoying every minute of it while they try to overcome ridiculous obstacles is the sign of a mentally deranged individual; and those that choose to participate in this twisted game might earn a similar diagnosis.

He sent his Son to redeem a lost world and to reconcile both Jew and Gentile in one body, which is the church.

HUH?

Every once in a while you come across a Bible verse that is so stupid it makes you want to chew broken glass. What the hell is the point of this line? Doesn’t the creator of the universe have more important things to write about? How about talking about something relevant? I suppose discussing the secrets to nuclear fusion or interdimensional travel would be completely out of line. Why talk about something useful when you can simply take up space with meaningless banter? I’ll do the same thing right now; I’m going to follow in God’s footsteps by clogging up this blog with meaningless shit. Here we go:

The green hippopotamus has been condemned by the waffle prince to die by the sword. In a bold move, the green hippopotamus shits a strawberry sundae and delays his death. Instead, he sent his son to redeem the sacred unicorn and to fuse both penis and popsicle, which is called a sucker.

But I’m the one who’s stupid. I’m the one who needs to be saved, helped, and guided. I can’t count how many times the following scenario has replayed itself throughout my life:

1. Religious nut job takes offense to negative remark I make about the Bible or simply gets pissy because I think it’s practically worthless.

2. Said nut job then asks ten million dollar question: “Have you even read the Bible.”

3. I reply with “Yes, probably more than you have.”

4. Nut job auto-responds with one of the following phrases:

“Well maybe you need to read it again.”

“Well you just don’t understand it.”

“Well maybe you need to read it again in order to really understand it.”

I guess they are implying that I need to read it as many times as it takes for me to “fall for it.” I haven’t been suckered in yet, so the solution would be to read it again until my IQ drops below critical. Now it’s obvious that I’m not a genius, but I don’t think it takes one to understand the Bible. I got a pretty damned good idea of what the book was trying to convey the first time around. Sadly, the second and third times I drudged through the book didn’t exactly spark a Eureka moment. What the hell am I supposed to get out of this anyways? Do I read it until I get so high on Christ that I don’t need to pack a bowl anymore? Do I over immerse myself in the Bronze Age folklore until my sense of reality and logic are completely distorted? Shit, I can get the same effect by drinking a 12 pack!

Does God Get Diarrhea?

Jesus Isn't Coming Back For A Reunion Tour

"He is coming!” warns the billboard that sits on a desolate highway. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing as I drove past this gem. I had to make an extra effort to hold the piss in my bladder because the backdrop behind the vengeful text was the cliché “holy light source” emanating from the clouds. Do people really take things like this seriously? Do people really, really believe that a mythical figure is going to escalate down from the clouds and alleviate them from their Earthly responsibilities? With all due respect, that’s the second dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. I will make two equally confident guarantees…

1. Jesus is not going to ascend from the heavens and return to Earth.

2. There are no invisible, bisexual, homicidal sheep with 8 heads that will one day invade the Earth and bring about Armageddon.

I have equal confidence in both circumstances, because they are both equally as stupid. Unfortunately, such ridiculousness is not uncommon among the devout, and unfortunately I have to hear about it. Not only are my ears polluted by this crap, I’m expected to automatically grant respect to this moronic claim. Not only do I have zero respect for this notion that Christ is going to sail down here from Heaven to judge the quick and the dead, I have decided to capitalize on the fact that people sincerely believe this stuff. I have decided to bet people money that Jesus isn’t coming back. You might think I’m an asshole for doing this, but it’s actually for the benefit of all Christians and myself. Even though the odds are stacked in my favor, Christians will still win (points with Jesus) even if they lose to me. Check out this display of shear brilliance…

THE BET

I will make an open bet with anybody right now that Jesus is not coming back today, tomorrow, or ever. I am making an open call and an open bet to all Christians; more specifically those Christians who have been searching for the ultimate way to put their faith to the test. Lay that faith on the line people! Take your grocery money for the week and gamble it away on the return of Jesus. Now that’s faith at it’s finest! Here are the provisions for my bet…

BET: Jesus will not return to Earth before a certain time.

FINE PRINT:

• I am willing to wager any denomination of money.

• You pick the expected date of Christ’s return.

• If Jesus is to return on or before the predicted date, I will double your money. For example: If you wager $100 and win the bet, I will pay you $200.

• If Jesus does not return, I will simply keep your money.

• I will keep your initial bet money and do with it as I please. I return, I will give you a contract stating my intent to repay you. This eliminates “cold feet” when it comes down to the final days of the deal, preventing you from withdrawing your bet.

Put simply, give me $100 and tell me when you think Jesus will come back. If he comes back on or before that date, you win $200. If he’s not back by that date, I get to keep your $100. By the way, don’t think that Jesus appearing in a piece of toast counts as his second coming. Jesus has to come down from the clouds and start destroying shit. It’s got to be Revelations style carnage or it doesn’t count. I want bodies flying everywhere, hospitals burning, and fireballs raining down everywhere! I guess I would have a hard time paying you back if I were to suddenly die in the carnage, but that’s no excuse to not put your faith to the test.

I have more faith that Jesus is not coming back than anybody out there. Anyone who claims to have equal faith that he is coming back needs to step up or shut up. Jesus is as dead as Elvis, and I’d be willing to make the same wager for Elvis. How can I be so confident that Jesus isn’t returning? When was the last time anyone has ever come back from the dead? How many people, Gods, or sons of Gods have ever come back to Earth for “Round 2?” The answer might surprise you: A whopping zero. That’s right, nobody has ever come back from the dead, nobody has ever descended from the sky to kill off the sinners of the world and rescue the churchgoers from their horrible lives here on Earth. I invite all Christians to stop talking shit about their faith in God, Jesus, the Virgin Mary, the Holy Spirit, all of the saints, and everyone else that’s on the Christ wagon. I will say this: You do not have the balls to bet me money that Jesus is coming back. If you are so incredibly sure that he is coming back, this should be a no brainer. It’s time to shut your mouth and open your wallet bitches.

An astounding number of people out there are absolutely positive about the return of Jesus. They seem to have the same conviction of his return that they have of the sun rising every morning. So if you happen to be one of those, then I’m begging you to cut to the front of the line and slam your money down on the table in front of me. Even if you lose the bet, look on the bright side…

• After you die, your money is worthless anyways

• You have to be poor to get in to Heaven

• If I’m rich, you won’t have to put up with me in Heaven

• You might score some points with the J-crew for at least trying to stand up against a blasphemous asshole such as myself

It’s a win/win situation for everyone! If you are so confident that Jesus is coming back to decapitate the non-believers, put your money where your mouth is or forever hold your peace. Some people claim to know that Jesus is coming back because of personal conversations with him or his father. I invite these extra special lunatics to skip to the front of the line and bet their life savings. Claiming to know that Jesus is going to float down from the clouds and return to Earth pushes a new level of insanity. Trying to understand how people get sucked this far in to religious fallacy causes me to drink uncontrollably.

Whenever natural disasters strike, we can't help but ask the big questions once again. Is there a God? Is there a divine creator watching over us and triggering the events of our lives? Those who argue for God's existence and authoritarian rule have a lot of explaining to do. Christians really have their feet to the fire in explaining exactly how their God is loving, caring, and all forgiving. If there is a God that has a plan for everyone, he's got some pretty fucked up plans. Planning that people will die prematurely in an earthquake doesn't sound like the work of an all loving and caring God. It sounds like a sadistic asshole obsessed with pain, suffering, and gore. What makes this God decide to go on the occassional killing spree? Why did God mass murder all of those Haitians? Is Pat Robertson right in using his Christian logic? If there is a God, he has to be held responsible no matter which way you cut it. What a horrible thought that is indeed: God willfully chose to wipe out undeserving Haitians because he can't control his temper. There is nothing "mysterious" about God's recent actions; he's just a raging, jealous, piece of shit. But if God isn't bad enough, his followers are there to add insult to injury.

I want to fucking puke every time they show a Haitian child on TV with a fresh copy of the Bible in one hand and food in the other. The sad truth about the "rescue effort" is that Christian charity groups are always on standby to capitalize on tragic opportunities like this. They parade down to third world countries with food, water, and Bibles whenever a major catastrophe strikes. They aren't down there because they care about the well being of others, they are down there because of the business opportunity. It's a chance for them to hard-sell their religion to people who are currently under abnormal amounts of stress and anguish. During those times, Christians know that their potential followers are extremely susceptible to the false promises, lies, myths, and fairy tales the Bible contains. If the people in the Christian groups truly cared about the well being of the people in need, they would leave their Bibles at home. The atheist and agnostic individuals that comprise the secular organizations are the true heros and philanthropists in this crisis. They have no commercial gain, no ulterior motive, no sneaky business venture, and no space God to impress. They aren't trying to score points to gain admission to Heaven and they aren't trying to package religion with food and water.

Am I an asshole for asking these questions and making these statements? Perhaps. I can't deny the fact that I am extremely intolerant of religion, but people like Pat Robertson make it easy for me. It takes a Christian to make statements like those from Pat Robertson, it takes a Christian to go on a missionary voyage in order to tell the people of Haiti how spiritually misguided they are, and it takes a Christian to say that the people of Haiti need to be "saved" because they are "lost." What happened in Haiti is tragic, and religions dipshits like Pat Robertson running their mouths on television doesn't help the cause. Many people think that Pat Robertson is an exception to the norm, but sadly he is not. There is no shortage of Christians that are just like Pat Robertson; who believe that the Haitians brought this natural disaster upon themselves by forming a pact with Satan and pissing off God. Pat and his minions must have fallen asleep in geology class because they fail to realize the actual cause of this earthquake. The people of Haiti didn't deserve this tragic event, nobody does. They also don't deserve to be told that they are sinners, they don't deserve to have religion forced upon them, and they don't need to hear Pat Robertson opening the hole in his face on national television. It's truly a shame that Christians can't do anything good without the threat of punishment looming over their heads.











Does God Get Diarrhea?

Joseph, you are NOT the father

Creationism Is A Giant Pile Of Stupid

How is it deemed “respectable” to believe that the Earth was created just a few thousand years ago? How are ancient fairy tales being confused with science in the 21^st century? There is something horribly wrong with modern television featuring programs about Biblical predictions of Armageddon or Jesus and his miracles. It’s bad enough that this garbage is sucking up airtime, but this stuff is portrayed as if it were a based on a true story. It’s actually convincing people that the Bible holds the same credibility as a science book. It’s even gotten to the point where the Institute of Creation Research in Dallas, TX was seeking approval for a Masters Degree in Creationism. Holy shit, what’s next? A Bachelor’s Degree in Star Trek?

THE I.C.R. IS STUFFED WITH IDIOTS

How is it possible to have an entire building full of people that are dedicated to figuring out how this Earth could have been created 5,000 years ago? What the hell could they possibly be doing at the Institute of Creation Research facility? I have a few educated guesses…

· Watching paint dry

· Reading Genesis for the 428^th time

· Watching another televangelist spaz session on TV

· Having science book bonfires

· Prayer circles

· Building statues of Richard Dawkins and then destroying them with sledgehammers

I wonder how many geniuses at the ICR had to put their heads together to come up with this…

GOD DID IT!

Can you imagine a debate at the ICR? Can you imagine the number of times the word “intolerant” has flown around that place? You can’t possibly have open debate and criticism with an institution based entirely on falsities and faith! I can just see it now…

Student: Professor, I’m not sure that this is enough evidence to
conclude that….

Professor: STOP, YOU’RE BEING INTOLERANT!...

Young Earth Creationists, such as the ones at the Institute of Creation Research, have got to be the most intellectually dishonest people on the face of the planet. Sorry, there were dinosaurs and yes; they did exist on this Earth long before humans did. I knew this information in kindergarten, but sadly many grown individuals still have not caught on.

The Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHEsEshhLs

Does God Get Diarrhea? paperback edition

God Hates Chinese People

If in fact God does exist, it is undoubtedly clear that he has a special loathing for Chinese people. He loves to crush them with earthquakes, drown them in floods, and slowly starve them to death with famines. When God feels like stirring up some shit, he usually heads over to China first. China is clearly God’s punching bag; as no other country in the world has gotten smashed up by God quite like China. 6 of the 10 deadliest natural disasters in history (not including disease or famine) took place in China; including the top 3. Let’s take a look at the top 10 worst natural disasters ever recorded in a chart, which I like to call…

WHEN GOD GETS DIARRHEA

(Source: Wikipedia, taken August 9, 2009) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_natural_disasters_by_death_toll

#	Event	Location	Date	Death Toll (Estimate)
1.	1931 China floods	China	July-November, 1931	1,000,000–4,000,000
2.	1887 Yellow River flood	China	September-October, 1887	900,000–2,000,000
3.	1556 Shaanxi earthquake	Shaanxi Province, China	January 23, 1556	830,000
4.	1970 Bhola cyclone	Bangladesh	November 13, 1970	500,000
5.	1839 India Cyclone	India	November 25, 1839	300,000
6.	526 Antioch earthquake	Antioch, Byzantine Empire	May 20, 526	250,000
7.	1976 Tangshan earthquake	Tangshan, Hebei, China	July 28, 1976	242,000
8.	1920 Haiyuan earthquake	Haiyuan, Ningxia-Gansu, China	December 26, 1920	240,000
9.	1975 Banqiao Dam flood	Zhumadian, Henan Province, China	August 7, 1975	90,000–230,000
10.	2004 Indian Ocean earthquake/tsunami	Indian Ocean	December 26, 2004	229,866

Check out this nifty little highlight: God has blessed China with the top 3 deadliest Earthquakes in history. I’ve complied then in to a chart, which I like to call…

L-L-LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

(Source: Wikipedia, taken August 9, 2009) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_natural_disasters_by_death_toll)

Rank	Death Toll	Event	Location	Date
1	830,000	1556 Shaanxi earthquake	China	1556
2	255,000	1976 Tangshan earthquake	China	1976
3	240,000	1920 Haiyuan earthquake	China	1920

Total number of Chinese people God killed in these charts alone is between 3,302,000 and 7,542,000. God sometimes works in “mysterious” ways, but there is nothing mysterious about this chart. God must have eaten some bad chow mein and gotten diarrhea to get this pissed off at China. So God decided to put on his boxing gloves and beat the piss out of China for a few hundred years. When God saw what he had done, and, behold, it was very good, he remained unsatisfied. Apparently God didn’t think that punishing the Chinese with floods and earthquakes was suitable enough. It was then he decided to regularly starve them to death in a slow, painful, loving way. Out of the top 5 deadliest famines in history, China takes 3 out of 5, including first and second place. No more shitty chow mein and cat-filled egg rolls for those atheist, communist, blasphemous assholes! So God said unto the Chinese…

“Behold, I hope you have stockpiled a ton of MSG, because you’ll need all the preservatives you can get your filthy hands on!”

Let’s take a took at a chart which I like to call…

HUNGRY? WHY WAIT?

(Source: Wikipedia, taken August 9, 2009) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_natural_disasters_by_death_toll

Death Toll	Event	Location	Date
4,900,000–43,000,000	Great Chinese Famine	China	1958–1961
24,000,000	Chinese Famine of 1907	China	1907
19,000,000	Indian Famine	India	1896–1902
15,000,000	Bengal famine of 1770, incl. Bihar & Orissa	India	1769–1771
13,000,000	Northern Chinese Famine	China	1876–1879

Total number of Chinese people starved to death in this chart is between 41,900,000 and 80,000,000. Wow God, aren’t you just sweet as a rotten apple? So much for God being “loving” and “forgiving,” this douche bag behaves more like a spoiled 5 year old. All of this evidence has pointed towards one conclusion: God hates the Chinese.

What’s the matter God? Do they not worship you enough? Do they not boost your ego enough to make you feel special? Does your self-esteem drop just because they don’t pay enough attention to you? You poor baby! But let’s be honest here God, do you really deserve to be loved? I mean, you’re always such a dick and you love to wipe Chinese people off the planet faster than I can reach my hand in to the church donation plate. I don’t know of any mass murderers that are deserving of constant worship, praise, and financial donation; so blow me.

SATAN DOESN’T LIVE IN HONG KONG

How can God possibly market himself as all loving and all caring when he is constantly shitting on the eastern hemisphere? Some Christians might try to defend their criminal friend by blaming it all on The Devil. Let’s entertain that possibility; let’s say The Devil really did cause all of the death and destruction in China. Let’s pretend that Satan himself was personally responsible for beating the piss out of China. Sorry God, you’re still a giant butt hole. You still have to answer these questions…

• Why does God continue to let The Devil destroy people in mass quantities?

• Why doesn’t God come to the rescue and save the people he created?

• Why doesn’t God simply eradicate The Devil or simply not allow The Devil to cause Earthly destruction?

• If God can’t stop The Devil from committing such horrible crimes against humanity, then God is NOT all-powerful by any means.

So in the Christian world, there can only be two suspects that might be involved in Chinese genocide: God or Satan.

· If God knowingly and willingly caused all of these malicious acts, then God is not in any way deserving of love, worship, praise, charitable donation, or hymns that sing of his greatness. He is simply a backstabbing, bloodthirsty, hypocrite that deserves nothing more than to eat shit sandwiches for all eternity.

· If The Devil is responsible for all of this, then this comes as no surprise. However, God, being the creator and controller of all things, allowed The Devil to wreck havoc amongst his Earthly servants. God stood there with his arms folded and watched as his people were drowned, starved, and crushed to death in assembly line fashion.

In either situation, God is guilty as charged. He obviously isn’t turning a blind eye when it comes to the destruction of his children, especially the Chinese. God has it out for the Chinese, and the proof is in the pudding.

I say we give God the death penalty, then go enjoy some delicious roast pork lo mein.

Does God Get Diarrhea?